My Apartment Has A Lot Of Turnoffs (Part 1)

The cock block is a male

slang term for anything that hinders a guy's chance of getting with a

girl. Now, as you've seen so far I'm

pretty much a walking cock block. I say and do stupid things, sometimes I get too drunk and out of control

or goofy. Often, I get hungry late

at night instead of amorous and I end up walking home after soup and something

deep fried, alone, as the sun comes up.

Even a person's diet can

be a cock block. Every family

recipe I have requires fresh chopped garlic. I think garlic, raw too, is glorious. I'll put it with tomatoes and basil,

raw, or cook it with anything else. But sometimes if I eat too much it will literally seep from my

pores. Also, like that bloody spot

in Macbeth

, garlic has a way of

hanging around on your hands even if you wash them ten times in a day (and we

all know what it does to our breath). I must monitor my garlic intake and time it correctly.

The other day I was

cleaning my bedroom and realized: my bedroom and entire apartment is a collection of cock blocks—they are

scattered throughout my apartment like a mine-field. I decided to list the most apparent cock block features of

my apartment and see what you thought was the worst, and also get a look at

what sorts of horrible things have put you out of the mood once you've gotten

to a guy's place.

Dirty Dishes In My Tiny


I'm not a dirty guy, but

my sink is pretty small. So, if I

don't do the dishes for a few days (I actually find washing dishes to be

therapeutic), the dishes will over flow and will go across the counter and onto

the stove. Couple this with the

strange ingredients of our family recipes—my favorite things to cook: ground beef rice soup, jambalaya, and

garlic stuff! . I usually rinse things in a pinch but

sometimes the lingering odor from my cooking session remains a day or two. The worst is this cumbersome stove-top

grill that is one of those types of dishes you just want to put off a few days

before washing. After grilling,

there is always stuff stuck to it and I just pour soapy water on it and let it

soak on the stove. If a girl saw

this she'd think it was the bottom of a rotisserie chicken oven. This is the first obstacle we have to

get past on the way in to my apartment since the sink area is visible as soon

as you walk in.

My Intimidating Roommate

A lot of people think it's

cute that I live with my sister. However, if I'm with a younger girl she may find the prospect of my

sister knowing she came back home with me intimidating. Luckily she is often at her boyfriend's

house and I don't even have to bring up my "roommate". My sister and I went through two years

of high school together and we hooked up with each other's friends often, so we

are totally comfortable with whatever goes on—though, sometimes it's hard for

people to believe how easy going our relationship is. But maybe it's good because there is "girl stuff" at my

apartment in a pinch for a female visitor?

Seasonal Décor

  • My mom can't come to grips

    with the fact that there is no room in an NYC apartment for anything. Therefore, she sends us seasonal décor:
  • Xmas tea towels (it would

    break her heart to know that I use these tea towels in the middle of July)
  • Chocolate bunnies for

    Easter—I feel too guilty to throw them away so I have chocolate bunnies from

    2006 and beyond floating around my room
  • Autumn stuff—Autumn is my

    favorite season but my mom once sent the most frightening little scarecrow to

    hang on my front door. I hung it

    up and (boy garlic is really coming up a lot here), it was literally like a

    garlic cross for warded of any female who came near it.

    So, with the hodge-podge

    of seasons crashing into one another in my apartment, it simply looks like I'm

    confused and I have no flare for design...or at least I have no chance of faking

    that flare.

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