1. This first date isn't the worst! She's smart, she's pretty, she's funny, and I don't want to run out the door, screaming and clawing my eyes out, so she's already way better than the last three women I went out with.
2. I get butterflies (and kinda sweaty) when she texts. I will never, ever tell anyone that I got butterflies or whatever as long as I live. Why can't that phrase be more masculine, like, "I got cool bugs in my stomach. She gives me scorpions."
3. We can actually talk for more than 30 minutes without awkward pauses and I call her when I'm not even drunk. Does that mean I like her? Like, really like? Like, really, really like? I might even introduce her to my parents. Maybe.
4. We need to be exclusive because I really want to be able to call her my girlfriend. "This is my girlfriend Jessica." Oooo that's nice.
5. I'm going to ask if she wants to come to my buddy's wedding. Wait, that's in nine months. Do I want to be with her in nine months? Oh god, I totally do. I refuse to think about getting married because that would be crazy. I wonder if she would come though.
6. She just came over, brought me take-out and did my laundry while I was sick. She would make a great wi … I almost said it. I almost said it, but I didn't!
7. When I think about how, in five years, I'm going to be a billionaire who invented a new kind of slam-dunk, I picture her right there with me, just hanging out in my Olympic-size shark tank. I didn't even realize I was doing that.
8. I think … I think I might be in love with her. Oh, wow. I almost even said it to her out loud, but I'll wait for the right time, when she isn't wiping semen out of her belly button.
9. Holy shit, I'm in love with her. I am in love with this woman. I'm going to say it. "I LOVE YOU!" Weird that I sang that?
10. What will our kids look like? I bet we'd have really cute babies, and I can't wait to hug them and WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME, WHAT HAVE I BECOME?
11. I should probably start saving for a ring. Good-bye, Playstation 4 and season tickets. Hello, life of matrimony.
Image via 20th Century Fox