Gown you'll never wear again: $349
Metallic strappy sandals you will wear again: $59
Arsenal of Spanx control-top under- garments: $80
Alterations: $50
Round-trip flight to scenic Des Moines: $349
Three nights' hotel stay at Holiday Inn: $168
Gifts (shower, bachelorette, and wedding): $260
Penis tiaras for bachelorette party: $14
Replenishing minibar after you binge on self-hate cookies and Fritos: $35
Manicure and pedicure in Essie's Bachelorette Bash Pink: $60
Aqua Net and sprig of baby's breath for your hair: $1.97
Counseling for psychological damage done by groom's dad hitting on you: $250
Photo of you in an orange organza gown? : Priceless
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