How To Interpret His Texts

Shocked or just bored by what he's texting you? Our dating expert tackles text messages his lady friends have recently received, deciphers them, and then offers you the perfect analysis. For more text advice, take a look at Text Messages from a Guy (and What to Reply).

shocking text
(Image credit: Courtesy of Getty)

TEXT: "I swear we gotta hang when I finish cross country in about 3 to 4 weeks."

I am guessing that this guy is younger, in college, and not used to being attentive to a woman's feelings, but his lack of flattery is striking. If he had said, "I've been having a lot of fun with you" before this statement that would at least indicate he's thinking about the good times you've already had. Here, he's just listing you as something to do on his to-do list (pun intended). His intention is good: he does want to see you and is just very busy with running. I have a friend who ran in college and it did take over his life. I get that. So don't think he's blowing you off. I'm guessing he's all for blowing, but in a very different way.

Your response: "Cool. Looking forward to it." If you are an emoticon person you can include a winky face here. It lets him know you're into him too, but not sitting around by the phone waiting for his call. Patience is important in all stages of relationships, but particularly when you start dating someone with multiple major commitments. He'll likely have two beers and text you to hang out way before he's done with the running season.

TEXT: "I may need to cum in your ass later tonight."

My favorite part of this text is the word "may." As in, the guy isn't really sure if he will need to do that or not. "I may need to cum in your ass, or I may need to hit the dry cleaner; I'll let you know." It's almost business-like. Except it's not at all. The thought behind the words is that the man wants to fool around with you tonight and is testing the waters of what he can get away with. He is trying to be playful about it but is basically opening the door for a regular late night booty session. I am going assume you've already had sex with this guy and also that you may have experimented with anal sex. If those assumptions are incorrect, this guy is a creeper—you should avoid him and quickly delete his number from your phone. If you have, he's trying to establish a regular hook up with you.

Your response: If you've had regular (and anal) sex with him before? "You may need to work harder than that." It's not a "no" but opens the door for some wooing.

TEXT: "I also miss your company, our talks, your hot messages, going over to your place, your touch, your soft skin; but I have to face being unable to go see you cause of work."

This is a super long text message...for a guy. Any time a guy communicates by text this extensively he's likely into you. I have to say though: this is the sorta stuff that drives men mad. How is this at all confusing to you ladies? He is attempting to be very clear: he wants to continue to date you. He just listed an assortment of things he misses about you. Even if he sent a "Hey. Miss you" text, that's already pretty verbose in terms of emotional content a man would send. This dude just gave you a list of stuff he likes about you, very specific things, and yet you wonder if he's into you? Yes. Yes he is. Relax. This wanna-be poet is hot for you but has a lot of work commitments. When those clear up he'll bring flowers.

Your response: "Miss you too. Take care of work. We'll figure out a time to see each other soon." Acknowledging that you feel the same way (assuming you do) is nice and solidifies that you're on the same page going forward. You're also being supportive and showing that you're not taking his crazy schedule personally. At the same time you're leaving space for him to try and set up a time to make your next date.

TEXT: "I asked him to wear a bow tie to my birthday party and his reply was: 'Uhhh, I'll try.'"

As much as I would like things to be different, most men do not own a bow tie. I have no clue why. They have pre-tied ones for novices and a man who has mastered tying one likely has mastered a few other complicated but wonderful things as well (wink). In my opinion, all men should own at least one bow tie and know when to wear it.

That being said, this guy probably doesn't own one. You may as well have said, "We're running low on Komodo dragons, can we borrow yours for the party?" You would have received the exact same reply. If this is a guy you have been seeing for a while I recommend taking him shopping. We [men] really do not know what the women we are seeing want us to wear. Even if you tell us sometimes our brains register "She thinks I'm handsome" not "She likes me in purple." I am guessing regardless of how long you have been seeing each other this gent is genuinely going to try. He might text a friend asking to borrow his bow tie (gotten that panicky text before) or swing by a vintage store. But don't expect him to show up in a bow tie. He might just show up with an apologetic smile.

Your response: "Cool. Do you own one? If not, no worries of course." And if you're really into bow ties your in-person response might be, "Can we go shopping together sometime?"

TEXT: "You have some fries to go with that shake?"

Frankly, I'm shocked a guy has ever resorted to this sort of cliché. Are you dating a man from an early '90s sitcom? I am genuinely hoping that the guy that texted this to you is kidding. If you suspect he is, feel free to blush and/or feel embarrassed for him because this guy is paying you a compliment in his own way. I've actually noticed that (most) men and women have very different ways of offering compliments. A man may say, "You look beautiful tonight," which is vague compared to a woman's "I love your soft lips." I chalk this text up to a guy trying to pay you a specific compliment about your behind, but not knowing exactly how to do it tastefully so he went to the opposite extreme and went jokingly crude.

Your response: None. Even if it's a joke it's a bad one and doesn't merit a response. Guys have to learn not to pull this sort of thing and you're helping society by sending him that message.

TEXT: "Get into anything fun tonight? And don't say my pants."

Well this one is confusing enough that I think even the guy that wrote it may be confused. He clearly opened with a late night, check-in text. He was thinking of you and couldn't think of something clever to say so he just asked what you were up to. It starts off sweet; you're on his mind. Then it takes this weird left turn where he attempts to flirt in a disastrous way. I mean, shouldn't he know if you were in his pants or not? I am proud to say that whenever a woman has been in my pants I have at least been aware of it.

I am guessing two minutes passed after the initial text and he got a bit drunk-panicky. This is when a guy's thinks, "That wasn't clever at all. Gotta fix this or she'll think I'm lame." This gent is either very drunk or not very smart, as the second text he sent is his attempt to get you to hook up with him.

Your response: If you like him and can easily forgive this well-intentioned but poorly executed flirting? "If I was in your pants, you'd know it. ;)" If you see this guy as more of a friend/aren't feeling him? "Nope." The one-word negative reply will give this guy will the hint.

Lodro Rinzler is the author of 'Walk Like a Buddha: Even if Your Boss Sucks, Your Ex is Torturing You, and You're Hungover Again' and the founder of the Institute for Compassionate Leadership