AGE 6 - 14
Why are all these men carrying around flowers? Why is Mom mad at Dad? Don't all her friends exchange Valentines today, like we did in Mrs. Henike's class? I have 26 Valentines! And a cupcake!! And DISNEY!!!
AGE 14 - 15
Oh, is it Valentine's Day? I didn't even realize. As if Jessica Goldkrantz and Nick Herron need another reason to make out on top of my locker. Out of my way, a**holes. Nick Herron's in all standard classes. His tongue must taste like Cool Ranch Doritos and unfulfilled potential.
AGE 16
Aw, my friend's boyfriend gave her flowers and chocolate? That's nice, I guess. I mean, now she's gonna put them on top of the cafeteria table just so everyone sees, which is kind of obnoxious, but still! Hey, Friend, can I have a chocolate? No? Okay.
Why doesn't Nick Herron ever try to put his Cool Ranch tongue in my mouth?
AGE 17
F*** Valentine's Day. It's literally just a thing so that Hallmark can make money, and stuff. I know that because my super-metal, slightly older boyfriend from a different school told me while we were hanging out in the parking lot outside the mall. He is so metal that he wears a cape. We don't do Valentine's Day.
AGE 18
Having this V-Day girls night was such a good idea! Who cares about Valentine's Day when we have Double Stuf Oreos, and Love Actually, and Bridget Jones' Diary, and Little Women, and — Why is your boyfriend here?
AGE 19 - 21
OMGOMGOMG, he took me to a mid-priced Italian place with cloth napkins and a candle on the table!!! This must be how Kate Middleton feels, like, all the time. He is the guy I am going to spend the rest of my life with, I don't care what my best friend or my mom or BASIC LOGIC says.
AGE 22
Is he serious? We're going to that mid-priced Italian place again? He's not an intern anymore. He needs to step it up. I mean, Kelly's boyfriend is planning to scatter 1,000 rose petals in a room made of chocolate. Or at least that's what Kelly thinks he's gonna do. I'm gonna tell him it's fine but he should be able to tell by my mannerisms and facial expression that it is so not fine.
I love how Jen is like "Valentine's Day was just invented so you'd buy stuff." Only single people say that. Poor angry single Jen.
AGE 23
Valentine's Day was just invented so you'd buy stuff. It's no big deal. I shouldn't take it so seriously. So I happen to be single on Valentine's Day! So what? I'm a grown woman and I'm focusing on my career. I have no time for a guy right now. I bet if I go right from work to home, I won't even see any happy couples or guys carrying flowers. Then I can stay in, drink a bottle of white wine, watch Bones and do a stupid-expensive body scrub with those exfoliating gloves Liv Tyler recommended on the Internet. THIS BODY SCRUB WILL MAKE ME FEEL GREAT ABOUT EVERYTHING BECAUSE THE WOMAN AT SEPHORA SAID IT WOULD.
AGE 24
I've only been dating this guy for a month. What am I supposed to expect? Flowers? A text? Should we not even hang out tonight because it's too much pressure? I'm gonna text him to show him how chill I am.
"hey just wanted to let you know im not one of those girls who cares about valentines day, im super chill, we can just get pizza and sit in garbage or whatever. OR you could give me a swan covered in diamonds hahaha just kidding anyway talk to you soon, or not soon, haha"
Goddamn, I'm great on text.
AGE 25 - 26
Okay, so we know we want to go away, and maybe go skiing. Let me Google "reasonably-priced skiing valentines day resorts." Um... $2,000 a night. Wow. There are a few sad heaps of yellow snow outside, maybe we could try to ski down those? I bet he could fashion some crude skis out of some 2x4s and masking tape, since he was able to hang that light fixture that time!
AGE 27
Oh, thank God, he wants to stay in too.
AGE 28 - 30
Oh, is it Valentine's Day? Let's go to our favorite restaurant that we go to every Tuesday and then just try not to fart on me later.
Follow Anna on Twitter.
Related:
Marie Claire Presents: The Love Match!
Valentine's Day Gifts For Every Stage Of Your Relationship
7 Sexy Lingere Looks For Valentine's Day
Photo Credit: New Line Cinema
-
Taylor Swift is at Travis Kelce’s Chiefs Game in Kansas City—With His Mom, Donna
Well, that clears that up.
-
Prince William and Princess Kate Literally Face the Same Woe as Every Other Parent
They may be royalty, but kids are kids.
-
Expert Says of Princess Kate’s Recent Transformation That “We Are Seeing the Real Kate Now”
Her revved up charisma matches that of a beloved royal family member that was anything but self-conscious.
-
The 22 Best Vibrators, According to Sex Toy Experts
The vibes are immaculate.
-
The Best Period Sex Tips, According to Sex Experts
Who says messy can't be sexy?
-
The 20 Best Sex Games for Couples in 2023
Who said game nights need to be wholesome?
-
The 14 Best Lubes for Every Need
Good sex should always go smoothly.
-
COVID Forced My Polyamorous Marriage to Become Monogamous
For Melanie LaForce, pandemic-induced social distancing guidelines meant she could no longer see men outside of her marriage. But monogamy didn't just change her relationship with her husband—it changed her relationship with herself.
-
100 Sex Songs That Won't Make You Cringe
Dim the lights and hit play on this sex songs — the perfect playlist of songs to have sex to.
-
72 Real Sex Scenes in Movies
These actors aren't faking anything.
-
33 Unexpected Valentine's Day 2023 Date Ideas
A.k.a. not dinner and roses.
