Fun At The Urologist

The things we go through to some day have babies...

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My recent experience may compare with the gyno visit for a

woman with its awkward moments. I

had chemo to treat testicular cancer
, which may have damaged my fertility. Since then, the "rent" at the sperm

bank has increased and my parents (they were paying that rent) asked me to get

counted to verify the need for sperm banking.

For those of you who are wondering, yes: they do have porn at the "lab". When I banked my sperm the first time,

the lab had the most amazing spectrum of porn I've ever seen: from light Victoria's Secret...all the

way to pervish stuff like Martian Spacemen in Bunny Suits Invade the Sorority

House
.

My experience at the NYC lab was rough:

  • Some guy came out of the masturbation room before me, and no

    one sanitized or anything. I hope

    he had good aim!
  • The room was tiny with just a loveseat and TV/VCR, and there

    were only "a few videos in the drawer" according to the doctor who set me up,

    along with a random Penthouse on the table by the loveseat.

    I tried to pick the side of the loveseat that the previous guy

    may not have sat on. I am a much

    wiser man since my last lab visit.

    This time, I exercised my BYOP (bring your own porn) rights-I brought my

    laptop. I haven't been able to use

    personal memory or movies for inspiration. I'm completely digital.

    Midway through my session, I heard an alarm. What was this? Had I stayed in the room too long? Was

    I committing some kind of violation?

    Did I win a prize?

    Then, I got my answer:

    all the lights in the room went out. I was sitting on the loveseat, pants down, with my laptop

    providing the only light
    . I guess

    the room had "energy efficient" timed lighting. I fumbled for a switch, got re-situated and finished up my

    duty in a hurry to beat the light timer.

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    After I had gotten everything into the sample cup, I worried

    that it didn't look right. Was

    there too much? Too little? On my

    way out the door, I had a nervous feeling I was going to get "called back"

    because I didn't provide a good sample.

    But I made it out, and the next hurdle-the Urologist in a few days-would

    prove to be another adventure.

    Things got off to a rocky start with the Urologist when he

    asked: "do you mind if a Resident

    joins us?" I saw no problem with

    this and agreed to it.

    Some med school kid turned the corner and introduced

    himself, and I was immediately out numbered. Now, I thought the doctor was simply going to go over my

    test results and tell me a sperm number, then discuss whether I had to bank

    or destroy my sperm, but I was sadly mistaken.

    "Why don't you pull your trousers down and get up on the

    table."

    So, there was a testicle exam, which I'm used to, no worries

    there. But then the doctor decided

    to test something else. He had me

    stand up and grabbed some tube in my groin near my penis. He asked me to contort my body in

    different positions to see how that tube reacted.

    Then, to my horror, he called the Resident over.

    "OK, hold this," he said to the resident referring to the tube

    in my groin.

    After grabbing the wrong tube a few times, the Resident

    figured it out. Then the two of

    them passed the groin tube back and forth while telling me to contort my body,

    and talking to one another:

    "Feel that?"

    "Feel that?"

    "There you go."

    They then decided to use a little sonogram thing to

    compare with their "manual" test on my groin tube. The doctor went over my groin area like an old man looking

    for coins on the beach with a metal detector. I was a bit worried by the sonogram's beeps and feedback

    reminiscent of a Hendrix album, but I guess the doc/resident got a good reault. I was allowed to get

    dressed.

    I was sad because my first experience with two

    people passing my genitals back and forth was with two men and not two adorable

    super hot girls
    . How long before I can say: "a woman was the last person to touch my genitals, and not two men"?

    At long last, the doctor went over my fertility results.

    Excellent news:

    lots and lots of sperm!

    Is this experience as bad/awkward as the gyno?

    ...so, in the next post, I'll go over some thoughts and what I

    learned from my experience.

    Follow me on Twitter: twitter.com/richravens

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