My recent experience may compare with the gyno visit for a
woman with its awkward moments. I
had chemo to treat testicular cancer, which may have damaged my fertility. Since then, the "rent" at the sperm
bank has increased and my parents (they were paying that rent) asked me to get
counted to verify the need for sperm banking.
For those of you who are wondering, yes: they do have porn at the "lab". When I banked my sperm the first time,
the lab had the most amazing spectrum of porn I've ever seen: from light Victoria's Secret...all the
way to pervish stuff like Martian Spacemen in Bunny Suits Invade the Sorority
My experience at the NYC lab was rough:
- Some guy came out of the masturbation room before me, and no
one sanitized or anything. I hope
he had good aim!
- The room was tiny with just a loveseat and TV/VCR, and there
were only "a few videos in the drawer" according to the doctor who set me up,
along with a random Penthouse on the table by the loveseat.
I tried to pick the side of the loveseat that the previous guy
may not have sat on. I am a much
wiser man since my last lab visit.
This time, I exercised my BYOP (bring your own porn) rights-I brought my
laptop. I haven't been able to use
personal memory or movies for inspiration. I'm completely digital.
Midway through my session, I heard an alarm. What was this? Had I stayed in the room too long? Was
I committing some kind of violation?
Did I win a prize?
Then, I got my answer:
all the lights in the room went out. I was sitting on the loveseat, pants down, with my laptop
providing the only light. I guess
the room had "energy efficient" timed lighting. I fumbled for a switch, got re-situated and finished up my
duty in a hurry to beat the light timer.
After I had gotten everything into the sample cup, I worried
that it didn't look right. Was
there too much? Too little? On my
way out the door, I had a nervous feeling I was going to get "called back"
because I didn't provide a good sample.
But I made it out, and the next hurdle-the Urologist in a few days-would
prove to be another adventure.
Things got off to a rocky start with the Urologist when he
asked: "do you mind if a Resident
joins us?" I saw no problem with
this and agreed to it.
Some med school kid turned the corner and introduced
himself, and I was immediately out numbered. Now, I thought the doctor was simply going to go over my
test results and tell me a sperm number, then discuss whether I had to bank
or destroy my sperm, but I was sadly mistaken.
"Why don't you pull your trousers down and get up on the
So, there was a testicle exam, which I'm used to, no worries
there. But then the doctor decided
to test something else. He had me
stand up and grabbed some tube in my groin near my penis. He asked me to contort my body in
different positions to see how that tube reacted.
Then, to my horror, he called the Resident over.
"OK, hold this," he said to the resident referring to the tube
in my groin.
After grabbing the wrong tube a few times, the Resident
figured it out. Then the two of
them passed the groin tube back and forth while telling me to contort my body,
and talking to one another:
"There you go."
They then decided to use a little sonogram thing to
compare with their "manual" test on my groin tube. The doctor went over my groin area like an old man looking
for coins on the beach with a metal detector. I was a bit worried by the sonogram's beeps and feedback
reminiscent of a Hendrix album, but I guess the doc/resident got a good reault. I was allowed to get
I was sad because my first experience with two
people passing my genitals back and forth was with two men and not two adorable
super hot girls. How long before I can say: "a woman was the last person to touch my genitals, and not two men"?
At long last, the doctor went over my fertility results.
lots and lots of sperm!
Is this experience as bad/awkward as the gyno?
...so, in the next post, I'll go over some thoughts and what I
learned from my experience.
Follow me on Twitter: twitter.com/richravens