Sex and the Single Guy Blog

The other night I ran into a girl who my friends call "loofah girl". Her and her friend came to a Halloween party a few weeks back covered in strange material looking like puffballs. They asked a bunch of us guys if we could tell what they were. They looked strangely like these puffballs that hung in the shower that my sisters and I shared while growing up. Then it all hit me and I yelled out as if I had struck oil:

"Loofahs!!!"

Everyone, including the girls, looked at me incredulously. How did I know such a thing?

We've already discussed how I've brought up porn, and other "guy" topics with women which usually leads to complete failure. But, now it looks like I've gone the other direction, continuously brining up "girly" things.

There's this girl that I know through friends at work who told me she didn't have a tv or microwave (two of my favorite electronic devices on this earth) in her apartment. Aside from feeling very sorry for her (she is stuck eating non-microwave food and reading books), I offered to come over to her place and give her apartment a "makeover": the first step would be a giant flatscreen TV on the wall. But my friend who heard me make the offer, later said:

"yeah, you probably don't want to be telling girls that you're going to makeover or re-decorate their apartment."

I get along great with one of my biggest crushes in NYC, Julia. But, I'm afraid she thinks I'm gay. I was told by my friend Margaret that girls think it's weird when a guy knows too much about feminine things.

Most of my stories about meeting people occur in some seedy bar or club. It's a shame that I think I need to be in a drinking environment to meet people. There is good news though: there is no law that says we have to be in a bar to meet people.

The "non-alcoholic" list I've composed below is actually more effective for meeting people in some ways. While a bit of a "buzz" from a few drinks helps take the edge off, the non-alcoholic spots have are conducive for meeting people for the following reasons:

• They are quieter than bars so you can hear each other
  
• The surroundings provide subject matter and spark conversation
• They bring people with common interests together
  
• Meeting someone in a spot other than a bar might feel more "storybook" and spontaneous

Here are some good non-alcoholic meeting spots:

The Supermarket

Once, I was standing in front of vegetables, confused, when a woman approached me asking where the something-or-other-mushrooms were. I know nothing about mushrooms or how to cook with them, but we did get into a quite a conversation about them. There are so many questions crossing your mind while food shopping, and engaging others with these questions is a great way to spark up convo. Just stay away from items with "controversial" names like peaches and melons.

The morning of my SATs I stumbled half-asleep out of the house and into my car, forgetting the ticket I was supposed to bring to get into the exam along with the number 2 pencil to fill out the answer sheet. Upon arriving at the testing location, I was able to bum a pencil off a friend, but there was no way around the forgotten exam ticket. I had to call my mom on her day off from work to have her drive 35 minutes down to give me the ticket.

The call was not pleasant because my mom yelled at me and put a huge guilt trip on me. But this was to be expected. What I didn't expect was my mom pulling up, still in her nightgown. She rolled down the window, and dropped the ticket out onto the curb without even stopping the car or saying a word. Needless to say I didn't come home for a few days out of fear.

You'd expect me to improve myself and get my ducks in a row since age 17, but I haven't. I rely on women as "mother figures" all the time. I take them with me to shop, I ask them to clarify vague financial puzzles such as "interest rate," and I ask them to take care of other things for me. My friend Margaret is my tailor. She actually did a great job fixing some pants for me. I always "throw in" with my sisters for Xmas gifts for our parents, without even looking at what we are buying-- they can do all that work.

Do women want to take care of a guy? I could argue that it's a radical shift in thinking: I don't expect to be the bread winner in a relationship. This is the opposite of old fashioned in my book. But, at the same time, I don't enjoy responsibility. That's never good.

When there's an event, I rely on the women attending the event to tell me all important details pertaining to the event. I just don't like keeping tabs on all of this information. I want someone to do it for me. It's almost like I need a personal assistant.

The other day, my friend was showing me pictures of her beautiful friend who makes a lot of money. I told my friend my fantasy: I'd sit at home all day watching Tyra while the beautiful girl made money, and then bask in her beauty when she came home. But I doubt this girl would want to support my fantasy life.

Here are the reasons marrying a "mom" are appealing to me:

Most of my "we'll get married to each another if we don't find anyone else by age XX" friends are off the market, but one still remains: Karen. She'd make a great wife because she's passionate and giving to her friends and family, she gets angry at me when I least expect it, and she's constantly disappointed in my antics. Perfect wife material!

As Karen's friend, I am privy to all of her terrible experiences in the dating world. I curse the jerks she meets along with her. But one experience Karen recently had with her friend Paul reminded me of a few risky endeavors that people must be extra careful with:

• Moving from friendship into a romantic relationship
• Forgiving someone who hurt us in the past and trusting them again

Karen and Paul met in high school and dated on and off through the end of college. Ultimately, they decided to be friends, and Karen felt that she was too young to be in a relationship. Plus, until they settled in to being friends, Paul had hurt Karen numerous times.

Paul and Karen were best friends after a while. They discussed other people they were dating, and Paul was always there for her to help her deal with the many losers she met once she hit the post-college dating world.

Recently, Paul found out he would be working in India for a while. The impending separation forced Karen to rethink their relationship, especially after Paul told her that he was tired of seeing her get hurt, and that he still had feelings for her. They got intimate again and started using the "L" word.

"I've been afraid of changing because I built my life around you."

-Fleetwood Mac

It's hard enough to find someone attractive and intriguing. When I finally find someone, she usually has a boyfriend. And it's extra frustrating when the girl's friends tell me how lame the boyfriend is, or how he mistreats her.

And there's nothing I can do. She's going to have to get out of it on her own. It's impossible to try to "save" someone from a bad relationship.

I have heard the following from friends of the last few girls I've been interested in:

• "Her boyfriend has hit her before. But she lives with him and she says she loves him, and she doesn't think there's anyone better out there for her."
• "Every time I see her boyfriend with her, she approaches me later and apologizes for his behavior."
• "I met her boyfriend once, and that night he beat up some guy outside the bar."
• Her sister is so crushed that she's marrying this guy.

Doesn't sound like a great crew of boyfriends, does it? But these girls continue to date these guys. All I can do is sit on the side and hope that the boyfriend will screw up. But, even when the boyfriend screws up repeatedly, it doesn't matter.

It got me thinking about the different levels of offenses guys commit. Here are a couple of examples of bad behavior and their level of severity:

One & Done: You should get out of the relationship if it occurs once

Physical Abuse - It's not just because men are stronger than women; if a woman hits her boyfriend, she should go too.

Cheating - Taking someone back after they cheat on you will probably end up burning you. If you forgive too easily they might continue cheating because you took him back the first time.

On Thin Ice: These offenses are a big deal, and if they do it consistently, you should end the relationship

Verbal Abuse - This is not One & Done because, as humans, we make mistakes. But, the first time someone verbally abuses you, you should hold on to it and be vigilant when looking out for more instances. If it's consistent, and not just one isolated mistake, then you should break up.

Disrespect for Your Friends & Family - Your friends and family are extensions of you. Perhaps it takes everyone a while to warm up to one another, but if your significant other can't get along with your friends/family, you'll be forced to choose. If someone loves you, they should make an effort, even if they are not compatible with your loved ones.

Drugs & Alcohol - I believe that, ultimately, people are responsible for kicking their own habits. But support from loved ones is imperative. If your significant other is using drugs, you must decide if you want to be there to help them rehabilitate, or walk away. Neither choice is necessarily the wrong choice. Some people can't kick the habit, and it becomes more important to them than their love life. But people who overcome drug addiction are stronger after the experience and they can rediscover their love life.

We Can Work It Out: Annoying things that can be worked on and improved, but don't warrant a breakup

Forgetfulness - Yes, it's annoying when we forget your birthday, and even the anniversary, but it's hard to keep things in order all the time!

Accidental Instult - Men and women speak a different language. "I didn't intend to hurt you by what I said," is not a good excuse, but sometimes we accidentally say hurtful things. Most guys eventually learn what bothers their girlfriend, bu there are growing pains.

It is astounding to me that women stay with bad guys. I hear the same thing from most women: "girls are stupid." I would like to put a more positive spin on it: I think girls are just loyal and determined to a fault at times. If it was working before, they want to make it work again, and it's hard to walk away from something you've worked hard on.

Women stick by a guy through thick and thin, probably because the bar has been set so low for guys. Perhaps women don't believe there's any better guy out there than their bad boyfriends, even if he's abusing her. Or, she blames herself for his behavior.

But ask yourself: isn't it be better to be alone than to be with someone that mistreats you or doesn't give you what you deserve?

Why do women stay with bad boyfriends? Do you agree with my list of offenses above and their severity? What would you add to each list?

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On Halloween night, I was talking to a girl dressed as Popeye’s main squeeze, Olive Oil. We chatted for about 20 minutes, and I dropped a smooth line:

“That’s a great costume, can I get a picture of you?”

She was flattered, and happy to oblige. But when she smiled and posed, I couldn’t help but focus on her amazing boobs. I decided I had to take a picture of them and send the picture to my buddy just to say “hi” because he was at a different party. I aimed the camera down and took a snapshot. But she must have noticed. She said:

“Did you just take a picture of my boobs?”

I thought for a second. Then I gave a sheepish and unconvincing:

“…um…no?”

But it was over. I didn’t talk to her the rest of the night.

Those early moments meeting someone, and even it’s just a few dates in, are so sensitive. Things can turn on a dime. It can be something stupid like my Olive Oil debacle, something accidental, or just a simple misunderstanding that gets you to that point of no return.

Once you hit the point of no return, you can’t get out of the pickle that you’ve gotten yourself into. It’s best to just walk away. Because someone does not know you well yet, you don’t have much margin for error.

Here are some examples of dating point of no return:

Not all guys are obsessed with sex. Some of my friends and I would honestly rather have their football team win than get laid, are too lazy to deal with getting laid, or don’t put so much stock into getting laid. But my friends and I are an abnormal lot.

I’ve come up with reasons to explain why many guys are sex-obsessed. Keep in mind I’m not defending being obsessed with sex. I’m just attempting to shed light on why a guy might be obsessed with sex to give you some peace of mind:

We Have To Be “Let In”

Sex physically resembles “VIP Access” because we have to be invited. We work for it, we convince, we campaign, strategize, and pull out all the stops. The woman controls all access. Men enjoy the challenge of obtaining this “invitation”.

It Symbolizes Success To Guys

My friend enjoys insulting me by asking: “when’s the last time you got laid?” I don’t find it insulting when he asks me this- I’m just puzzled why he thinks getting laid makes someone so great. I just want to be called cute, or kiss a cute girl anyway. Guys insult guys who aren’t getting laid, and praise guys who get it all the time. Now if my friend wants to call me out for not getting a kiss or not being called cute in eons, that’s would hurt! Some guys think: "If I'm nice, she might have sex with me," instead of "If I'm nice, she might like me."

Steve Phillips, an ESPN "Baseball Tonight" anchor and former General Manager of the New York Mets, was recently exposed for having an affair with a 22-year old assistant.  To grasp of the twists and turns of this story, you should check out this letter written by that assistant, Brooke, to Phillips' wife. 

In my analysis of the letter, this girl assumes:

- Phillips will leave his wife and children for her

- Her relationship with Phillips is not just about sex, despite their text messages being "mostly sexual in nature"

- Being a "career woman" is more generally more attractive than being a stay at home mom, even though both are challenging endeavors that require hard work, strong will, and intelligence- and Phillips is more interested in a "career woman"

- The "serious things" she discusses with Phillips are based on a friendship, and not part of his campaign to get in her pants

The only time I tried to "convince" someone to break up for me was in high school when I had no idea what I was doing.  People should break up on their own, and "I met someone else" is not necessarily a good reason to break up.  

Why do we even go for "taken" people?  We never take an empty seat when someone tells us it's "taken" even though it's easier, and more socially acceptable, to steal that seat than it is to go through the process of stealing a person's significant other.  

Here are the the questions that I came up with after reading about Brooke and Steve Phillips:

In "It's The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown", that chick Sally is so into Linus, and he completely drops the ball when his "Great Pumpkin Promise" falls through.  I know the feeling Linus.  I know the feeling.

Actually, on Halloween, I have halfway decent luck.  With the wild card of people dressing up, the festive mood, and even costume mistakes from years past, I made the following observations after a Halloween party I recently attended:

Creativity Is Hotter Than Sluttiness

Halloween is the day every girl gets to use her Slut License.  It starts out innocently:  "I'm going to be President Obama for Halloween."  But then:  "...well, slutty President Obama."  Upon entering the party, my buddies and I looked at each other and said:  "Um, wow."  At times, we just stared into the crowd enjoying the many amazing costumes:  slutty naval officer, slutty nurse, slutty turtle, slutty school girl. 

Guys love slutty costumes, but we also love beer.  So, we were impressed and intrigued by the six girls who came in dressed as a six pack of Bud Light.  Pretty girls dressed as beer...there's a novel idea!  In fact the six pack of Bud Light won best costume at the party.  Ultimately, creativity trumped sluttiness.  But, sluttiness is OK too.

My weekend in Corolla, NC for my friend's wedding had the typical concoction of bad moves and failures. I should have known I was in for it when I passed a little market called "Farmer's Daughter" on the way in to town.

At the rehearsal dinner, the news that a "19-year old freshman from Cornell was on her way" spread like wildfire. My friends all turned to me, knowing that I love hitting on the younger ladies. I felt it was my duty to crash and burn for them. I'm such a martyr.

Shortly after Cornell's arrival, I joined a darts game in the garage with her and her family. Here was my chance to butter up the dad. Knowing that guys will forgive just about anyone if that person helps them win something, I hoped to get lucky on the dartboard in order to get lucky later on.

It turned out that the dad was ridiculously good at darts. I was on his team and I started off very lucky, hitting parts of the dartboard I had no business hitting in my drunken stupor. But, while his dart skills were mesmerizing, they were also a little scary: I imagined him flushing me out of the room after catching me making out with his daughter and picking me off from afar with a perfectly thrown dart.

In that first month of dating, even the coolest guy can only play it so cool.  If he's serious, he'll drop hints.  Seriousness should not be measured by:

- The amount of money he's spending on you

- The grandeur of dates

- The frequency of dates

- The nice things he says

Guys will do just about anything to get lucky.  It's hard to remember the simple things that indicate he is serious about you when you're being courted, especially when his game is intoxicating, and he's saying "all the right things". 

Try to keep these questions in mind during the fledgling weeks of dating to figure out if he's serious:

He Calls/Texts At The Right Time

It's good when a guy texts/calls any time, any day.  If your call log is peppered with texts/calls between 12AM-4AM, you might just be a "booty call".  And subject matter should range from date ideas to insignificant things like the fact that he found a $10 bill on the sidewalk on the way to work.

He Wants To See You...A Lot

I'll try to see a girl as often as I can when I'm into her.  Even though I'm a certified expert in the art of laziness, I overcome my desire to sleep or do nothing in those critical early moments of the relationship. My priorities change from Ramen, Wikipedia and TV to wine bars, walks, and dinners (but I'd have to get fancy $10 Ramen at the dinners).  

My niece, Charlotte, is turning 3 in November, but she already has the upper hand on the boys her age.  My cousin adopted a Hungarian boy named Paul.  He's 5, and he adores Charlotte, but she is not impressed.  There's a famous picture of the two of them with Paul throwing his arms around her as she recoils in disgust.

Paul's first words at our last family gathering were:  "Where's Charlotte?"  So, when Charlotte finally made her entrance (and it was a grand entrance), Paul bee-lined to her and hugged her.  Charlotte, pushed him off, stared him down, and contemplated hitting or running.

We held our breath during these tense moments, praying that Charlotte would refrain from swinging at Paul.  My cousin broke the silence:

"Paul...you have to play it cool buddy."

The saddest thing about that story is that I could benefit from my cousin's advice to Paul.  Did I mention Paul's five?  "Playing" it cool seems so opposite of what I should do.  I'm not cool.  And I"m not an actor.  When I am into a girl, my whole being is vibrating with excitement.  So why doesn't it ever pay for me to be the fool in love?

I've attempted to play it cool in the following ways:

The phrase "rules of war" is ironic. How does something as chaotic as war have rules? Love is like war in many ways, and the most chaotic part of love is the breakup. You wrestle with yourself over how the breakup happens, and then you have to deal with the aftermath. The scary thing is that everyone has their own opinions about behavior throughout a breakup. And, of course, the length of the relationship may dictate the breakup rules.

So, are there any rules we can establish? I've put together elements of a breakup that we need to iron out:

Question: What's the best mode of communication for breaking up- email, text, phone, face-to-face?

Rule: I know people who have been broken up with via text or instant messenger. You have to do it face-to-face if you're in a serious relationship. Taking the easy way out is pretty lame. Beware of any written communication because it can be used against you, although email is a nice way to leave a "receipt/record" of breakup.

All of us wonder about our significant other's past in the back of our minds. OK, maybe in the front of our minds. The things men wonder about are probably similar to what women wonder about. And the strange thing is, if I could have access to this information about my significant other's past, I'm not even sure what I'd want to hear.

Here are the questions I ponder, and the answers (I think) I'd like to hear:

What is the your "number"?

I'll admit I have had sex with 10 women. And I would not say that I'm confident in the role sex plays in a serious relationship, or in the actual act of sex itself. But someone's "number" goes well beyond how comfortable they are with sex. You certainly have to think twice about getting into a relationship withsomeone who has had sex with hundreds of people. On the other hand, suppose you've been sexually active for a while, and the your potential significant other is a virgin. Does this make the situation more difficult?

I know that if I was dating a virgin, I'd walk on egg shells whenever we got to the point of sex. I respect a woman's choice, but sometimes the virginity issue can add pressure to a relationship. If I'm dating a girl and I find out that she's had sex with lots of guys, I'll break it down annually. For example:

Jenn told me she had sex with 38 people. Jenn is 29 and started having sex when she was 18.

That's 3.45 guys/year.

That number would make me think.

As I continue my long journey of singleness, I'm encouraged by the legions of other singles who glorify their independence. Some of us are even wearing a ring to celebrate our singleness though hopefully no one mistakes it for a wedding band. We are like a secret society, having clandestine singles-only gatherings and even a genre of bars named after us. You've heard of "singles bars" but never:

- Just Married Bars

- Not Quite Sure What We Are Bars

- Friends With Benefits Bars

- I Hate Them, But I'm In Too Deep Bars

It's great to have bars named after my status, but with each passing day of singleness, as I get older, it gets a scarier. Here's why:

My sister once gave her number to a guy because he knew me and it would have been awkward if rejected him. They went on a few dates, and she complained the enitre time. The last thing I heard before they became an item was: "he won't stop trying, but I'll get out of it soon." This somehow turned into a three year relationship.

A friend of mine explained she wasn't into this guy she was dating; he was "annoying" and it "was not going anywhere". He continued to be "annoying" even though they went on vacations and got more and more into it. They are still dating, and I'm sure that- two years later- she still calls him "annoying".

I live by the rule that one rejection means I beat a hasty retreat to save face. For example, if a girl wants to call me back, she'll call after my first call right? The agonizing days waiting for a call back fuel made up reasons for why she hasn't called back, ranging from simple to crazy:

Most relationships change people. I'm trying to figure out how a person changes for the better or changes in a negative way.

The best relationships I've seen balance people out. For example, my ridiculous clueless ways might make a woman laugh while her organized-understanding-finance ways would command respect and give me structure. And hopefully a girl who dated me woudln't take on any of my traits like getting lost going to the same place ten times, putting her foot in her mouth constantly, or becoming anxious about everything.

A few ingredients can create a volatile mix:

- At least one person in the relationship is already damaged before the relationship starts

- At least one person in the relationship is too dependent on the other

- At least one person in the relationship is not "complete" as a person, and they use the relationship to complete them

When people are in transitional periods, they are more open and vulnerable. If they meet the right person at the right time, things can be great, and they can grow. But if they meet the wrong person at this time, things can go very badly. Here are a couple of examples:

Sometimes it feels like lessons we learned in sex education could be applied in the "grown up" world.  All too often, sex doesn't happen at the right time.  Our bodies are in synch, but our minds are not.  He thinks one thing about the relationship, she thinks another.  Sex means different things to different people.

The result of poorly timed sex is at least one person ends up getting hurt, which is why I'm a Born Again Virgin (well, I'm rejected a lot too- maybe that's the reason).  How can we make sure that sex doesn't become bigger than a relationship, or cause a relationship to fail?  The answer lies in timing, compatibility, and comfort level.  Sex has the power to destroy a relationship, but it does not have the power to save a relationship.  How many people stay together just because the sex is great?  Sex can be a wonderful part of a relationship, but in my opinion, it's best to wait.

Here are reasons to wait:

I'm a terrible flyer but, if a hot girl sits next to me on a plane, I suddenly forget all my fears. Never happens. There are few things that hotness can't fix. But, even for guys, there are some characteristics in women that cancel out hotness.

Dating is difficult because we build pre-conceived notions throughout our experience. Because most guys are jerks, women are conditioned to expect a good guy to turn in to one. Similarly, men are conditioned to expect certain characteristics to surface in women.

If women fear that a guy will turn out to be a jerk, men fear that a woman may turn out to have one of the following four traits:

David Letterman is not particularly good looking, but he slept with a number of females on his staff. When I was out with friends this past weekend, we were discussing the phenomenon. Surprisingly, the two girls we were with admitted they had slept with bosses.

It's crazy that this happens at all, given the Human Resources ramifications, and the fact that the bosses are usually older guys who sleep with cute younger girls. How do these guys pull it off? It must have to do with humankind's attraction to power.

We've been attracted to power all through our lives. In high school, the popular guys/gals seemed hotter because they were powerful within that little social setting. Power is relative: you can be the President of a country, President of a company, or President of a book club (that's basically my power level). Then you have the weird powerful people like cult leader David Koresh in his compound (is it me, or is there always something shady and illegal going on in a "compound"?) When I am powerful in a setting (such as my Best Man status at a recent wedding), I do better socially.

Power is appealing in a few ways: