Sex and the Single Guy Blog

Not all guys are obsessed with sex. Some of my friends and I would honestly rather have their football team win than get laid, are too lazy to deal with getting laid, or don’t put so much stock into getting laid. But my friends and I are an abnormal lot.

I’ve come up with reasons to explain why many guys are sex-obsessed. Keep in mind I’m not defending being obsessed with sex. I’m just attempting to shed light on why a guy might be obsessed with sex to give you some peace of mind:

We Have To Be “Let In”

Sex physically resembles “VIP Access” because we have to be invited. We work for it, we convince, we campaign, strategize, and pull out all the stops. The woman controls all access. Men enjoy the challenge of obtaining this “invitation”.

It Symbolizes Success To Guys

My friend enjoys insulting me by asking: “when’s the last time you got laid?” I don’t find it insulting when he asks me this- I’m just puzzled why he thinks getting laid makes someone so great. I just want to be called cute, or kiss a cute girl anyway. Guys insult guys who aren’t getting laid, and praise guys who get it all the time. Now if my friend wants to call me out for not getting a kiss or not being called cute in eons, that’s would hurt! Some guys think: "If I'm nice, she might have sex with me," instead of "If I'm nice, she might like me."

Steve Phillips, an ESPN "Baseball Tonight" anchor and former General Manager of the New York Mets, was recently exposed for having an affair with a 22-year old assistant.  To grasp of the twists and turns of this story, you should check out this letter written by that assistant, Brooke, to Phillips' wife. 

In my analysis of the letter, this girl assumes:

- Phillips will leave his wife and children for her

- Her relationship with Phillips is not just about sex, despite their text messages being "mostly sexual in nature"

- Being a "career woman" is more generally more attractive than being a stay at home mom, even though both are challenging endeavors that require hard work, strong will, and intelligence- and Phillips is more interested in a "career woman"

- The "serious things" she discusses with Phillips are based on a friendship, and not part of his campaign to get in her pants

The only time I tried to "convince" someone to break up for me was in high school when I had no idea what I was doing.  People should break up on their own, and "I met someone else" is not necessarily a good reason to break up.  

Why do we even go for "taken" people?  We never take an empty seat when someone tells us it's "taken" even though it's easier, and more socially acceptable, to steal that seat than it is to go through the process of stealing a person's significant other.  

Here are the the questions that I came up with after reading about Brooke and Steve Phillips:

In "It's The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown", that chick Sally is so into Linus, and he completely drops the ball when his "Great Pumpkin Promise" falls through.  I know the feeling Linus.  I know the feeling.

Actually, on Halloween, I have halfway decent luck.  With the wild card of people dressing up, the festive mood, and even costume mistakes from years past, I made the following observations after a Halloween party I recently attended:

Creativity Is Hotter Than Sluttiness

Halloween is the day every girl gets to use her Slut License.  It starts out innocently:  "I'm going to be President Obama for Halloween."  But then:  "...well, slutty President Obama."  Upon entering the party, my buddies and I looked at each other and said:  "Um, wow."  At times, we just stared into the crowd enjoying the many amazing costumes:  slutty naval officer, slutty nurse, slutty turtle, slutty school girl. 

Guys love slutty costumes, but we also love beer.  So, we were impressed and intrigued by the six girls who came in dressed as a six pack of Bud Light.  Pretty girls dressed as beer...there's a novel idea!  In fact the six pack of Bud Light won best costume at the party.  Ultimately, creativity trumped sluttiness.  But, sluttiness is OK too.

My weekend in Corolla, NC for my friend's wedding had the typical concoction of bad moves and failures. I should have known I was in for it when I passed a little market called "Farmer's Daughter" on the way in to town.

At the rehearsal dinner, the news that a "19-year old freshman from Cornell was on her way" spread like wildfire. My friends all turned to me, knowing that I love hitting on the younger ladies. I felt it was my duty to crash and burn for them. I'm such a martyr.

Shortly after Cornell's arrival, I joined a darts game in the garage with her and her family. Here was my chance to butter up the dad. Knowing that guys will forgive just about anyone if that person helps them win something, I hoped to get lucky on the dartboard in order to get lucky later on.

It turned out that the dad was ridiculously good at darts. I was on his team and I started off very lucky, hitting parts of the dartboard I had no business hitting in my drunken stupor. But, while his dart skills were mesmerizing, they were also a little scary: I imagined him flushing me out of the room after catching me making out with his daughter and picking me off from afar with a perfectly thrown dart.

In that first month of dating, even the coolest guy can only play it so cool.  If he's serious, he'll drop hints.  Seriousness should not be measured by:

- The amount of money he's spending on you

- The grandeur of dates

- The frequency of dates

- The nice things he says

Guys will do just about anything to get lucky.  It's hard to remember the simple things that indicate he is serious about you when you're being courted, especially when his game is intoxicating, and he's saying "all the right things". 

Try to keep these questions in mind during the fledgling weeks of dating to figure out if he's serious:

He Calls/Texts At The Right Time

It's good when a guy texts/calls any time, any day.  If your call log is peppered with texts/calls between 12AM-4AM, you might just be a "booty call".  And subject matter should range from date ideas to insignificant things like the fact that he found a $10 bill on the sidewalk on the way to work.

He Wants To See You...A Lot

I'll try to see a girl as often as I can when I'm into her.  Even though I'm a certified expert in the art of laziness, I overcome my desire to sleep or do nothing in those critical early moments of the relationship. My priorities change from Ramen, Wikipedia and TV to wine bars, walks, and dinners (but I'd have to get fancy $10 Ramen at the dinners).  

My niece, Charlotte, is turning 3 in November, but she already has the upper hand on the boys her age.  My cousin adopted a Hungarian boy named Paul.  He's 5, and he adores Charlotte, but she is not impressed.  There's a famous picture of the two of them with Paul throwing his arms around her as she recoils in disgust.

Paul's first words at our last family gathering were:  "Where's Charlotte?"  So, when Charlotte finally made her entrance (and it was a grand entrance), Paul bee-lined to her and hugged her.  Charlotte, pushed him off, stared him down, and contemplated hitting or running.

We held our breath during these tense moments, praying that Charlotte would refrain from swinging at Paul.  My cousin broke the silence:

"Paul...you have to play it cool buddy."

The saddest thing about that story is that I could benefit from my cousin's advice to Paul.  Did I mention Paul's five?  "Playing" it cool seems so opposite of what I should do.  I'm not cool.  And I"m not an actor.  When I am into a girl, my whole being is vibrating with excitement.  So why doesn't it ever pay for me to be the fool in love?

I've attempted to play it cool in the following ways:

The phrase "rules of war" is ironic. How does something as chaotic as war have rules? Love is like war in many ways, and the most chaotic part of love is the breakup. You wrestle with yourself over how the breakup happens, and then you have to deal with the aftermath. The scary thing is that everyone has their own opinions about behavior throughout a breakup. And, of course, the length of the relationship may dictate the breakup rules.

So, are there any rules we can establish? I've put together elements of a breakup that we need to iron out:

Question: What's the best mode of communication for breaking up- email, text, phone, face-to-face?

Rule: I know people who have been broken up with via text or instant messenger. You have to do it face-to-face if you're in a serious relationship. Taking the easy way out is pretty lame. Beware of any written communication because it can be used against you, although email is a nice way to leave a "receipt/record" of breakup.

All of us wonder about our significant other's past in the back of our minds. OK, maybe in the front of our minds. The things men wonder about are probably similar to what women wonder about. And the strange thing is, if I could have access to this information about my significant other's past, I'm not even sure what I'd want to hear.

Here are the questions I ponder, and the answers (I think) I'd like to hear:

What is the your "number"?

I'll admit I have had sex with 10 women. And I would not say that I'm confident in the role sex plays in a serious relationship, or in the actual act of sex itself. But someone's "number" goes well beyond how comfortable they are with sex. You certainly have to think twice about getting into a relationship withsomeone who has had sex with hundreds of people. On the other hand, suppose you've been sexually active for a while, and the your potential significant other is a virgin. Does this make the situation more difficult?

I know that if I was dating a virgin, I'd walk on egg shells whenever we got to the point of sex. I respect a woman's choice, but sometimes the virginity issue can add pressure to a relationship. If I'm dating a girl and I find out that she's had sex with lots of guys, I'll break it down annually. For example:

Jenn told me she had sex with 38 people. Jenn is 29 and started having sex when she was 18.

That's 3.45 guys/year.

That number would make me think.

As I continue my long journey of singleness, I'm encouraged by the legions of other singles that glorify their independence. Some of us are even wearing rings to celebrate our singleness,though hopefully no one mistakes it for a wedding band. We are like a secret society, having clandestine singles only gatherings, and even a genre of bars named after us. You've heard of "singles bars", but never:

- Just Married Bars

- Not Quite Sure What We Are Bars

- Friends With Benefits Bars

- I Hate Them, But I'm In Too Deep Bars

It's great to have bars named after my status, but with each passing day of singleness, as I get older, it gets a scarier. Here's why:

My sister once gave her number to a guy because he knew me and it would have been awkward if rejected him. They went on a few dates, and she complained the enitre time. The last thing I heard before they became an item was: "he won't stop trying, but I'll get out of it soon." This somehow turned into a three year relationship.

A friend of mine explained she wasn't into this guy she was dating; he was "annoying" and it "was not going anywhere". He continued to be "annoying" even though they went on vacations and got more and more into it. They are still dating, and I'm sure that- two years later- she still calls him "annoying".

I live by the rule that one rejection means I beat a hasty retreat to save face. For example, if a girl wants to call me back, she'll call after my first call right? The agonizing days waiting for a call back fuel made up reasons for why she hasn't called back, ranging from simple to crazy:

Most relationships change people. I'm trying to figure out how a person changes for the better or changes in a negative way.

The best relationships I've seen balance people out. For example, my ridiculous clueless ways might make a woman laugh while her organized-understanding-finance ways would command respect and give me structure. And hopefully a girl who dated me woudln't take on any of my traits like getting lost going to the same place ten times, putting her foot in her mouth constantly, or becoming anxious about everything.

A few ingredients can create a volatile mix:

- At least one person in the relationship is already damaged before the relationship starts

- At least one person in the relationship is too dependent on the other

- At least one person in the relationship is not "complete" as a person, and they use the relationship to complete them

When people are in transitional periods, they are more open and vulnerable. If they meet the right person at the right time, things can be great, and they can grow. But if they meet the wrong person at this time, things can go very badly. Here are a couple of examples:

Sometimes it feels like lessons we learned in sex education could be applied in the "grown up" world.  All too often, sex doesn't happen at the right time.  Our bodies are in synch, but our minds are not.  He thinks one thing about the relationship, she thinks another.  Sex means different things to different people.

The result of poorly timed sex is at least one person ends up getting hurt, which is why I'm a Born Again Virgin (well, I'm rejected a lot too- maybe that's the reason).  How can we make sure that sex doesn't become bigger than a relationship, or cause a relationship to fail?  The answer lies in timing, compatibility, and comfort level.  Sex has the power to destroy a relationship, but it does not have the power to save a relationship.  How many people stay together just because the sex is great?  Sex can be a wonderful part of a relationship, but in my opinion, it's best to wait.

Here are reasons to wait:

I'm a terrible flyer but, if a hot girl sits next to me on a plane, I suddenly forget all my fears. Never happens. There are few things that hotness can't fix. But, even for guys, there are some characteristics in women that cancel out hotness.

Dating is difficult because we build pre-conceived notions throughout our experience. Because most guys are jerks, women are conditioned to expect a good guy to turn in to one. Similarly, men are conditioned to expect certain characteristics to surface in women.

If women fear that a guy will turn out to be a jerk, men fear that a woman may turn out to have one of the following four traits:

David Letterman is not particularly good looking, but he slept with a number of females on his staff. When I was out with friends this past weekend, we were discussing the phenomenon. Surprisingly, the two girls we were with admitted they had slept with bosses.

It's crazy that this happens at all, given the Human Resources ramifications, and the fact that the bosses are usually older guys who sleep with cute younger girls. How do these guys pull it off? It must have to do with humankind's attraction to power.

We've been attracted to power all through our lives. In high school, the popular guys/gals seemed hotter because they were powerful within that little social setting. Power is relative: you can be the President of a country, President of a company, or President of a book club (that's basically my power level). Then you have the weird powerful people like cult leader David Koresh in his compound (is it me, or is there always something shady and illegal going on in a "compound"?) When I am powerful in a setting (such as my Best Man status at a recent wedding), I do better socially.

Power is appealing in a few ways:

I recently stumbled upon a post on Shine asking for breakup songs. I realized I had quite a few to suggest, so here's my reply. Breakup songs fall into different categories:

• Wallowing in sadness
• Vengeful bitterness
• Confusion/disbelief
• Longing/lamenting
  
• Recovery

I like "recovery" songs, offering hope and encouraging moving on. Whatever type works the best for you, break out the wine, light some candles and try out my favorites (titles link to songs for free, first line of lyrics link to full lyrics below):

Your Ex-Lover Is Dead by Stars

A duet between two people who have moved on, putting the relationship in perspective. This song should empower you to see better things on the horizon.

"The scar is a fleck on my porcelein skin,

Tried to reach deep, but you never got in.

Now you're outside, and you see all the beauty,

Repent all your sins.

...Live through this, and you won't look back."

My first experience as best man at a wedding was stressful. For example, when I arrived at the church with the rest of the grooms' party the day of the wedding, the flowers and photogrophers were nowhere to be found. In fact, they were actually at the reception location. Minor catastrophe. The bridal party was on their way, unaware of the issue, and we all looked at one another with confused fear in our eyes, like peasants in a town awaiting ransack by an approaching Roman Army.

Luckily, a few phone calls later, the groom had everything on track. Situation averted. The bridal party never knew that there was a temporary disaster.

Last week, I theorized that women are "hot to trot" at weddings because of a concotion of romance, bitterness, and desire. My experience as best man revealed that weddings are structured as microcosms for relationships. They are events with a timeline of challenges and crises. They demand teamwork and stress management, just like the ensuing marriage years.

I was lucky to meet and learn from a cool Matron of Honor (Melissa). The following elements of the "partnership" between Melissa and I as Matron of Honor and Best Man mirrored characteristics of a successful marriage:

This weekend I'm in Philly to be the best man at my buddy's wedding.  Weddings are one of a trilogy great places to hit on women.  The other two are bachelorette parties, and bitter "girls night out" Valentine's Day groups.

As Best Man, I'm afforded elevated status in the group beyond the regular guests.  Anyone in the wedding party, or immediate family of the bride/groom have "elevated status".

Now, there are a few things I need to make sure of: 

1.  Don't discriminate; go for anyone from wait/service staff, friends from work, and random cousins and extended family to bridal party.

2.  Perform my duties well.  I will have to look good (I really look bad in tuxes) when I'm doing my part at the ceremony.  Also, my speech at the reception should be funny, reveal a sensitive side, and avoid rambling.  No one likes long speeches!

There are a few obstacles standing in my way, such as my propensity to get too wasted at events with great food and free drinks.  In fact, I recently accomplished the feat of getting cut off at two bars in one night at a wedding. 

Of course, every wedding must deliver cute ladies.  Usually, it's impossible to know how cute the girls are until you arrive at the wedding.  But in this world of iPhone apps and internet stalking, I've learned of a way to see wedding guests before you even get there. 

For my buddy's bachelor party, I booked rooms at the lavish Caesars Atlantic City. Our plan included "Dusk," the club where the late DJ AM presided over the tunes.

Upon arrival, I was immediately impressed by the bathroom. Men don't usually comment on this room, but I couldn't help but appreciate a TV in the bathroom mirror in our room at Caesar! TVs impress guys, but TVs in unusual places really impress guys. We each showered with no break in conversation about a football game that was on in the main room.

Later on that evening, my habit of getting lost actually helped me for once. I was too drunk, too fast, and got separated.

I was at the casino bar when I saw four girls coming down the aisle between the glowing slots. There are a handful of women that I'll always remember their beauty, and the moment I saw them. These girls were of that class. They seemed to be approaching in slow motion. A haywire symphony played in my head that mirrored the arcade-like bells and rings of the slot machines.

Sadly, all I had in my pocket was a crumpled up $5. I was feeling lucky though so I crammed in at the machine next to the girls after they began playing. But my machine kept spitting out my $5, and each time I tried harder and harder to smooth it out. The girls noticed the activity and smirked. This was getting embarrassing. But then, success: one of the girls offered her machine to to see if it would take my $5. Amazing what you can do with a too-wrinkled $5 in Atlantic City!

I was flipping through a "Women's Health" recently (I admit it), and I noticed an interesting poll. Women cited the following reasons as most common breakup reasons:

• He changed
• We weren't compatible
• He cheated on me

When I was little, it drove me crazy when my parents supported "no" with "because I said so". I always wanted a reason. I'm not sure if knowing why always helps, but perhaps if you know common reasons guys break up with girls, you'll at least be able to see it coming. So, here are mine:

I Got Bored

I've read many different hypotheses on attention span, but my favorite is (Wikipedia):

"Continuous attention span, or the amount of time a human can focus on an object without any lapse at all, is very brief and may be as short as 8 seconds. After this amount of time, it is likely that an individual's eyes will shift focus, or that a stray thought will briefly enter consciousness."

My attention span (unless it's a football game or a song) may be worse. I know a relationship is not supposed to be exciting all the time, so getting through those flat line moments between the sparks is critical. If I start having more fun with other activities, the relationship is doomed.

It must be weird for women to know that they can get laid whenever they want to.  I've wondered what it feels like to be like that.  For guys, it's a constant quest to try to get a woman to go home with them, and then the quest to get lucky continues from there.  And, as you know, while I'm actually getting laid, I try to figure out exactly how I got lucky- because it's not an easy thing to do.

Here are the different tactics I have used (some on purpose, and some I truly got lucky) that led to getting lucky:

Assuming Victory With Confidence

When I was learning how to play soccer, the coach encouraged me to "envision the ball in the net," before I shot.  This type of confidence goes a long way. On rare occasions, I assume I will succeed, and failure is not an option.  I was once very drunk trying to find a cab in the street.  A bunch of girls a few feet away from me got a cab.  I ran over to them and jumped in while saying, "I'm coming with you guys..."  Of course, I told the cabbie to take the girls home first.  That made me look like a gentleman, and it also set me up to complain that my place was way too far away.  So, it turned out they were from out of town, and they invited me in to their hotel. Hotel rooms are perfect for making out because there's nowhere to go but the beds- it's like being trapped on an island.  Even I can get laid on an island...probably.  I wish i always had that confidence to jump into a cab with hot women.  I figure 90% of the time, I'll get pushed out of the cab and end up on the sidewalk if I try.