Sex and the Single Guy Blog

Even the "nicest" guy could be after sex.  Guys have methods of trying to get laid without committing.  These types get what they want and once they are satisfied, they are gone. Deep relationships don't mean much to them.

Many guys use a "clever," sophisticated approach to getting sex.  They launch a campaign, paint a picture, put up a facade, whatever you want to call it. It can make it tough for a woman to decipher a guy's intentions.

Here area few signs that he's only after sex:

He Spends Lots of Money, But Not Much Time

Guys with a lot of money might have an unofficial "sex budget".  Showering with gifts, fancy dinners, etc is a common tactic.  But time spent has more substance than money spent.  Is the guy spending time with you, or taking time to get to know you?  Or is he trying to buy his way to sex? 

Here are 4 more weird things about me:

I Have a Piece of Metal in My Head

Body anomalies, such as "I'm double-jointed," are fun to share.  On my first visit to the orthodontist, an X-ray revealed a little piece of metal lodged against my skull.  I remember the injury from the first-grade playground.  I guess they decided the metal's presence didn't matter.  They never took it out.

This might be something I could say early because it's memorable.  I could see a girl telling her friends:  "I'm going out with that guy who has a piece of metal in his head this weekend."  Well, maybe not.

I'm an open book -- you know I've feared I was gay, say dumb things, and I'm in touch with my feminine side.  As you get to know someone,  some things seal you in:  you might like what you discover about a person.  Some things might turn you off; as my dad says: my mom's hidden bad traits appeared after marriage.  Timing is everything for when it comes to revealing certain traits.  And some traits help explain why someone behaves the way they do.

It's fun getting to know someone, and the closer you get the more details you get, beyond just "nice," "funny," or whatever.  As you learn more, does it bring you closer together, or do you run away once you really get to know more of these traits.  Are some traits fun at first, but then annoying after a while?

Here are a few of my "hidden" traits along with when they usually come out and when they should come out:

Left-Handed Sagittarius Middle Child

This translates to total freak.  Some of my Sagittarius traits ring true:  a thirst for adventure, wanderlust, and getting bored quickly.  On the other hand I'm a bit of a homebody.  Left-handedness has forced me to adjust since day one.  As a middle child between two sisters, I'm blessed...and cursed.  I enjoy being the center of attention, the classic middle child syndrome.  In short, all of these weird traits jumble my mind, and cause me to speak before my mind can edit the words.

This is usually disclosed early.  This is fine, considering "what's your sign?" is a cliché pickup line.  It's never a bad thing to talk about things that make you unique.

The other day my friend Claire asked me to set mouse traps for her in her apartment.  Despite my hatred of cruel things like mouse traps, and my very comfortable position on the couch, I got up to help her out of friendly duty.

As I labored in her apartment, I thought to myself:  "this is pretty easy.  She could have done this herself."  I realized I was doing "boyfriend duties" without boyfriend benefits.  I ranted to my friend that she had to find a boyfriend to do this stuff, or make out with me if I'm going to do boyfriend duties.

I was kidding, of course, but it reminded me of my vast roster of girl friends (not girlfriends-- one word meaning a girl I actually date).  I have one friend that I hired as my "Manager".  I made up a company:  "Rich Santos Enterprises".  Her duties include:  keeping me company on boring errands, helping me paint my apartment,  helping me with my Spring wardrobe, helping my fruitless efforts to date women. 

The Laws of Romantic Comedies dictate my "Life Manager" should watch me get hurt by approximately 3 girls before I realize that we are right for each other.  That is if she even thought of me romantically, which I know she does not.

The best relationships are based on friendship.  So, I'm happy I have close female friends, but why can't I think of any of them as more than friends? Meanwhile, unnavailable girl X, Y, Z with a boyfriend or mental affliction occupies my thoughts.  And I'm interested in these types after only one or two meetings.

There are four things things missing from my friendships that prevent us from taking the next step:

Most women tell me that sense of humor is among the most attractive qualities in men.  My ability to make women laugh is one of the few things I have confidence in.  But I think I've discovered a loophole that prevents the "funny guy" from getting the girl.  

In case you haven't figured it out yet, I'm good at figuring out ways to wreck my few attractive qualities.  My brand of "funny" must not be the correct brand of funny.  I'm afraid I don't show a serious or mysterious side when I am the "class clown" at social gatherings.

The other night my friend and I were bar hopping.  He's notorious for making me act like even more of a fool, but he also has this strange switch that allows him to turn off the bad behavior.  So, we'll be in the corner making strange noises and cracking ourselves up one second, then when I'm starting to do it with a girl around he's like:  "dude, not here.  Not now."

While we were out the other night, I was a little intoxicated and spotted a cute girl sitting in the corner by herself at a table.  I approached her and said:

"Hey, I'm an awesome dancer.  Wanna see?"

"Of course," she replied.

I then launched into my horrible bouncy River Dance move.  She seemed to like it and she was laughing.  In fact, when I stopped, she implored:  "no, keep going!"

A reader recently reached out and told me that she noticed a cute guy on a flight to Texas with an empty seat next to him.  She took the opportunity to sit down and get to know him.  They talked the entire three hour flight, and then said their goodbyes without exchanging contact information.

When her guy friend picked her up, she filled him in on the story of the flight and he told her that her behavior could be perceived as "easy".  She asked me if I agreed, and I told her I'd love it if a woman came up to me and initiated conversation.  I'd be flattered.  If I was attracted to her, I'd be thankful that I didn't have to figure out a way to make contact.  But we all know I'm lazy and insecure. 

Regardless of my weaknesses, when a woman makes a move to talk to a guy, she looks confident.  There's always the chance that the guy is thrown off because he's more "traditional".  I believe women have just as much right to make that first move, and it certainly doesn't make them look easy.

"Easy" isn't about making yourself available by making a move on a guy.  And it's not about one-night stands.  In fact, of all the one-night-stands I've had, I never assumed any of the women were "easy" (possibly bcause I find all women challenging).  I gave them the benefit of the doubt that the incidents were isolated moments in their lives where the one-night-stands just happened.  Besides, it takes two to tango-- so I was probably "easy" to them.

The standard definition of "easy" for men is basically the same as "slutty".  A girl who "puts out" frequently with different guys.  I decided to point out some signs/behaviors that guys look for that might indicate a girl is "easy".  Walking up to a guy and having regular conversation is not one of them:

Conversation is the crossroads of an individual's personality, intelligence, and spirituality.  What someone says, and how they say it, becomes more important than their looks as a relationship matures.

Bad conversation habits like the examples below can doom a relationship:

Conversation Hijacker

So you've just finished telling a story about a funny memory.  The Conversation Hijacker makes their move:  "you think that's funny, let me tell you this."  The Hijacker doesn't intend to listen to you, but they expect you want to listen to them.  They like to top your story and belittle it, while allowing little time for discussion or reaction to it.  It ends up as an unbalanced conversation dominated by the Hijacker, frustrating the hijacked victim. 

Eye Contact Issues

The other day someone presented to us in our office, and they looked at me too much.  It made me uncomfortable.  On the other hand, when a girl seems to be looking "through" me, or around me as if anything is more interesting, I assume she's not into me.  Just like words in a conversation, good eye contact has a certain rhythm to it.

Valentine's Day forced me to ask myself:  why have I remained single for so long?  No matter who you are, dating and meeting interesting people is a challenge.  Maybe this is why dating is so intriguing.

I recently pondered the reasons I'm single and wondered:  am I clinging to these reasons as excuses to keep me from taking on the challenge of dating, and to feed my fear of rejection?  Here are some of those reasons:

I'm "Unique" And Tough To Get Along With

Maybe I have strange interests and I'm not a "mainstream" kind of guy, so the number of women that connect with me is limited.  I'm not always eager to compromise.  I fear I'm turning into the reclusive artist type, enjoying solitude and reveling in bitterness.

I Value My Independence

I enjoy being able to do what I want, whenever I want.  I'm bad enough budgeting my own time, so being aware of someone else's time in addition to mine seems daunting.

My Last Relationship Scared Me

I'm assuming that every other girl I meet will be like my ex-girlfriend who got too serious too quickly. 

When you get suspicious that your significant other is cheating, be careful not to appear to be paranoid. You have to walk a fine line — you don't want to make false accusations.

So, while I'm sharing this list of cheating red flags, I concede that it's a tricky situation. It's hard to be sure if someone's cheating, but protect yourself: Be vigilant, and pay attention to your mind and spirit within the relationship. But, at the same time, be careful not to let anxiety lead the way because unnecessary paranoia will just drive your lover away.

Here are some red flags that may signal that your significant other is cheating:

Most guys wish they had the natural ability to satisfy women in bed. I'll go on record (in case you haven't figured this out by now) as saying I have no idea what women think about in bed.  But there are questions that burn in guys' minds when it comes to female sexual preferences.  So, I'm going to lay them out, and see what you have to say:

1.  Does Size Matter?

I think it matters a bit, because no one wants a super-small guy, do they?  Then again, girls tell me that a "bigger" guy is a little intimidating and the sex can be painful.  Many women have told me that girth is more important than length, but I think that a combination of good girth and length does the trick, and most guys can overcome size issues by using it well.

2.  Does Length of Time of Intercourse Matter?

Like size, is seems as though length of intercourse time needs to be just right.  Every guy fears being that "2-minutes-and-done" guy. During my formative years I was so scared of being that guy that I worked on not getting too aroused at every level:  from kissing to sex.  I kept my mind off what was happening and focused on random unrelated things to ensure that I didn't ejaculate too early. 

But it backfired.  Sex went on too long, sometimes for 45 minutes.  I went from feeling like an amazing stallion to feeling awkward and inadequate because no one was happy with that length of time.  So, I've heard 15-20 minutes is a good time, but what would you say?

I must apologize.  As I finish up this post, only a few minutes remain in Valentine's Day 2010.  My day has been pretty sad.  I went out with my fellow disgruntled date, Todd, and came home alone last night.  We ran into some interesting characters, headlined by a beautiful group of Canadian girls (why is every girl that I meet from Canada beautiful). 

But it got depressing when one of the girls guessed I was older than I was (the first time that's ever happened), and I was thrown off my game.  Todd and I ended up discussing the evening's adventures over chicken tenders at the diner before calling it a night.

This morning I was so hungover, I couldn't get out of bed until the late afternoon.  And, even then, I had a horrible headache.  So, my late Valentine's post is because of my horrible hangover.  It's a sad excuse, but I planned to post it this morning

Here are some fun gift/date/activities that I learned about as Valentine's Day approached:

Which element of a breakup dictates recovery time more: the type of breakup, or the person you broke up with?  My theory is the type of breakup you experience determines how long it takes to get over it more than the actual person.

Here are 7 different types of breakups ranked by shortest recovery time to longest recovery time:

7. The Mutual Breakup

This is as peaceful a breakup as you can have, like when the entire family agrees it's time to pull the plug on grandpa's respirator:  he is freed of his misery, and the family feels a sense of relief.  I've never had a mutual breakup.  I can't catch that lightning in a bottle.  But it can't be that tough to recover from a mutual breakup and get back out in the dating scene again.

6.  The Circumstantial Breakup

A cousin of the mutual breakup, the circumstantial breakup occurs when the environment around you won't permit the relationship to continue:  my parents hate you, you're in Cali and I'm in NY (or even, you're one town over), I need to be single for a while, etc.  Recovery time is shortened because the other person offers an excuse that takes the focus off your weaknesses or unattractive qualities that could have caused a breakup.

My friend and I were recently discussing friends of ours that are always in relationships with no breaks in between.  The remarkable thing about these people is that they string together many long term, healthy (at least from the outside looking in) relationships back-to-back, while people like me find long-term relationships elusive and tough to cultivate.  

But lost in all these relationships is the fact that, while someone is always in a relationship, they are constantly breaking up to get into these back-to-back relationships.  So ultimately, these relationships are flawed in the end.

Remember the principal reason for a breakup is that you don't want/need the type of relationship or person that you're breaking up with.  The best way to figure out what you want is to take some time to look inside yourself, take stock of your life, and figure out the type of person that's most compatible with you.

I'm trying to figure out if there's a rule about time between relationships.  There are a lot of factors that dictate how much time you need before you get into a new relationship:

• How serious was your relationship?
• How long were you together?
• What was the nature of the breakup-- was it "mutual," or was it messy?
• What else is going on in your world outside of your dating life?

I'm a proponent of taking a lot of time after a relationship.  Now, I don't expect people to take this "time between relationships" too far like I have.  In my last relationship, the girl was too serious, too fast and I've been scared ever since.  I acknowledge that I've been single too long.  

Here are some reasons to take breaks from long-term relationships:

Even though I got an "F" in Advanced Biology my senior year of high school, the class left me with memorable lessons.  One lesson relevant in the dating discussion is the idea of symbiotic versus parasitic relationships. 

A symbiotic relationship includes two organisms that both benefit from the relationship.  Parasitic relationships include organisms in which one organism benefits, but the other is harmed.  In the perilous world of dating, parasitic relationships occur quite often.  

In a parasitic relationship, people use other people to get what they want.  Of course that used person ends up getting hurt in the process, even if it's shame or feeling bad after the cat's out of the bag.

Here are common ways that people are used in dating:

Used For Sex

Men are usually the ones who are guilty of this offense, but it can go both ways.  It's rare for you both to be OK with using each other for sex.  We may say we can do it, but at some point doesn't human emotion figure in for at least one person in a situation like this?

The stars must align perfectly for me to find a girl attractive.  Perhaps I'm too picky, or perhaps I'm not lucky enough to meet great women.  

I recently met a girl who made an impression on me.  She was waiting tables where I was watching the Ravens game.  Here are the things that made this girl attractive and memorable:

She Made an Entrance

When I saw her walk by, I looked at my friends, wide-eyed, and mouthed "wow" to them. It was like I saw a natural wonder for the first time, after imagining how it would look in person many times…but I was still overwhelmed when I actually saw it. She had that "glow" about her that only certain girls have.

She Fulfilled My Shallow Appearance Checklist

Dark hair, petite, dark intense eyes, and lots of smiles.  She also had great style; girls look great in boots. She pulled off the look. I remember her hair the most; it was so perfect, she could have been in a shampoo commercial.

I Had to Talk to Her

Some unknown force was pushing me to talk to her. I usually don't try, even when a girl is super cute. She looked unapproachable, and I just knew whatever I tried would be stupid. While talking to my friend about apartments, I was pleasantly surprised. She said: "Excuse me I couldn't help but overhear you're looking for an apartment. My boyfriend is in real estate. Would you like his card?" Hey, I didn't say this story would have a happy ending. 

Most people hate games, but there may be times when playing games is actually necessary.  While games in an established relationship are silly, they can be beneficial in a fledgling relationship.  At their worst, games are tools of manipulation, but because it's so rare for people to be up front, game-playing is an accepted necessary evil in the following situations:

Games Played to Hone Your Game

If you're not a game player at heart, forcing yourself to do some game playing here and there will rescue you.  Those of us with our hearts dangling from our sleeves could benefit from playing games once in a while.  I used to think the honest approach worked:  let the girl know I'm into her, wait the required 2.5 days to call her, ask her on date #1, then date #2 and so on.  Be up front about my interest and don't confuse the girl.

But there are many romantic comedies that feature the smooth character helping the clueless character figure out the ropes of attracting the opposite gender.  A little game-playing can help the "too honest" person in love.  It injects some coolness and aloofness into a too-honest game.

You don't have to be a total jerk, but a game here and there might even out that person with their heart on their sleeve.  It's just like breaking a bad habit:  you don't change yourself completely, you just discipline yourself.  In this case, a game might add some discipline.

We can all agree that Heidi Montag has some mental issues, given her obsession with plastic surgery.  Body enhancements are interesting because they are physical changes that can be brought on by a mental state or temporary mental phase.

For example, a girl in our office was trying to break up with her boyfriend, but she was struggling with it, and never did it.  During this period, she dyed her hair.  I thought nothing of it, but another female in our office noted that this girl was having trouble making a big change in her life, so dying her hair represented an easier change.

I admit that I feel more confident when I enhance my appearance by wearing my stylish (and incredibly uncomfortable) skinny jeans.  There are many reasons women may want to enhance:  to rebel, to change a stagnant lifestyle, for revenge (maybe an ex hated piercings for example), to feel more beautiful, to increase confidence, etc.  I'm much more in to the natural look, so there aren't many enhancements I think are attractive.

Here's a list of enhancements and my thoughts:

Off Season Tan

I agree that a nice tan is sexy.  But it's a little strange, at least here in NYC, when a girl is bronzed in the middle of January when it's 10 degrees out.  Fake tanning is unhealthy, and I think someone is trying too hard when they set aside significant time and money to get a tan even though the majority of people in town are not tan.

The other day I stumbled upon (disclaimer:  my sister handed me the magazine when I was over at her apartment) a People Magazine article about The Hills' Heidi Montag's "obsession" with plastic surgery.  Not only were the pictures scary-- she's transformed herself into a completely different looking woman-- but some of what she had to say was quite alarming.

Heidi is just 23 years old and recently went under the knife for ten different plastic surgery procedures.  If you take a look at before and after pictures, she looks like a completely different woman.  Personally, I'm much more of a "natural look" kind of guy.  In fact, little imperfections in a woman's appearance can be endearing and attractive.

I've been thinking about some of the things Heidi said regarding her surgeries, and I wanted to share my thoughts:

"I'm in a different industry..."

This implies that acting is based on appearance.  This can be true:  some actors get by on their good looks much more than their acting skills.  But, it seems that her statement is an excuse.  If a person with a passion for acting could be:  A.  an average looking Oscar winner or B.  A gorgeous actor with average acting skills, I would hope they chose the former.  Heidi's actions don't show an obsession with acting, they show an obsession with how she looks.

Most guy-girl friend duos were once complicated because one person had a crush on the other person.  In fact, many of my friendships with women (before I started working) developed because I was attracted to them.

If you’re not able to date someone, there might be the option of remaining friends.  But sometimes this isn’t easy.  Here are reasons why it's tough to be friends with a crush:

It’s So Easy
Isn’t this how love is supposed to be?  You get along so well, you make each other laugh, respect each other.  You can call them five times a day and they won’t think you’re psycho.  You can tell them anything.  Well, of course it’s easy when you’re just friends, because there’s no pressure and no sex.  The easier things are between you, the easier it seems to take that next step.  But it’s frustrating that you can’t just do it.