Sex and the Single Guy Blog

The things we go through to some day have babies...

My recent experience may compare with the gyno visit for a woman with its awkward moments.  I had chemo to treat testicular cancer, which may have damaged my fertility.  Since then, the "rent" at the sperm bank has increased and my parents (they were paying that rent) asked me to get counted to verify the need for sperm banking.

For those of you who are wondering, yes:  they do have porn at the "lab".  When I banked my sperm the first time, the lab had the most amazing spectrum of porn I've ever seen:  from light Victoria's Secret...all the way to pervish stuff like Martian Spacemen in Bunny Suits Invade the Sorority House.

My experience at the NYC lab was rough:

Some guy came out of the masturbation room before me, and no one sanitized or anything.  I hope he had good aim!

The room was tiny with just a loveseat and TV/VCR, and there were only "a few videos in the drawer" according to the doctor who set me up, along with a random Penthouse on the table by the loveseat.

I tried to pick the side of the loveseat that the previous guy may not have sat on.  I am a much wiser man since my last lab visit.  This time, I exercised my BYOP (bring your own porn) rights-I brought my laptop.  I haven't been able to use personal memory or movies for inspiration.  I'm completely digital.

Midway through my session, I heard an alarm.  What was this?  Had I stayed in the room too long? Was I committing some kind of violation?  Did I win a prize? 

A few weeks back I had a great time working on an upcoming "Man in the Street" feature for Marie Claire.  We asked women what makes a guy dating material, and the most common answer was:  someone who has it together, and has goals/ambitions.

"Having it together" goes beyond the mental aspect.  I've realized that women can take one look at me and size me up as someone who doesn't have it together, and may have no ambition.  My disheveled appearance could stand some adjustments.  Here are some elements of my appearance that I should work on to look more "together":

My Posture

I walk around as if I'm auditioning for the lead role in a Nosferatu remake.  My shoulders are rolled forward, and I'm hunched over.  I can't tell whether I'm tired, too relaxed or what.  But there's one thing I do know, women like tall guys.  I'm cheating myself with my bad posture. If I stand up straight, I'm 5'11" (well, 5'10 and .99999999 inches); nothing to write home about, but it is over the average for the American male (5'9").  I should take advantage of anything above average about me.  Standing up straight will also make me look more confident.

Hearing lore of dating disasters past makes me realize that I am, while stupid and ignorant, not a freak.  Conversely, for those of you who read these tales, it helps remember that you are not the only one who has to put up with awful and psychotic guys.  So, I share as many as I can with you.

My friend recently went out with a guy she met on Match.com.  I'm alarmed at the number of hell dates I've heard from friends who have tried Match.com.  I guess it's still pretty random-you can only get so much from a person's "profile".

In the advertising world, they say peer-to-peer recommendation is "the holy grail".  With online dating, you don't have a mutual friend bridging that gap recommending a friend to you.  It's a random crapshoot.  And sometimes it can lead to events like this...

What is the purpose of the one-night stand? Does it accomplish anything? I don't condone one-night stands; for me they've led to awkwardness, and self-loathing (of course I'm filled with self loathing without sex in my life, so what's the difference?). But we all make mistakes; I think one night stands are mental mistakes, and not physical mistakes.

I'm reluctant to accept "I was drunk" as the sole reason for a one night stand. Alcohol contributes to making people more risky or clouds their judgment. As a depressant, it also enhances negative emotions. Therefore, there are temporary mindsets we should not mix with alcohol-mindsets that make us more vulnerable and prone to a one night stand.

Here they are:

I was driven to school every day for 12 years before I got my license, but I still managed to get lost when I drove myself for the first time. More recently, I got turned around in the complex West Village (West Village streets are not named after numbers, and the streets curve-totally confusing).

Landmarks provide structure and direction chronically lost souls like me, and do so in relationships too. It's common to return to the scene of the first date to propose or celebrate an anniversary. Landmarks are sometimes hurdles: they can end a relationship if you can't pass them, or make a relationship stronger if you can pass them.

As I wandered through the West Village, clueless with no GPS on my lame phone, I contemplated relationship landmarks:

First Date - It's hard to find someone sane, that you're attracted to, and that you're compatible with. Think of the percentage of your first dates that have made it to a second round. A lot of screening goes on here, on both sides.

Second Date - The second date is actually an important step. It confirms that things went well on the first date, and there are two interested parties.

First Kiss - The first kiss is important to tell the rest of the story beyond the first few dates. A horrible kisser has the power to destroy, but a great kisser can seal the deal. An amazing first kiss can elevate dating from mundane to magical.

They say "honesty is the best policy," and this rings true in dating. But women accuse me of speaking too truthfully, believe it or not. I'll walk up to a co-worker and ask her:

"Are you wearing a moo moo?"

"is that what you're wearing to the client meeting?"

"Honey, exfoliate those feet, or lose the flip-flops."

I speak this way because I grew up throwing barbs at two sisters, and because I lack a filter on my impulsive mouth. I'll say what's on my mind at all times without sugar coating.

I'm taking the license of the gay friend with my honest communication. Only other women and gay friends are allowed to tell women that they look horrible in an outfit, need a pedicure, or have been acting like a slut. I should be using the Little White Lie.

Below are five circumstances where the little white lie might come in handy: