Why Brunch Is Not the Answer

1. The name is stupid.

2. If you don't get there by 10:50, you'll be waiting on the sidewalk with the starving, precaffeinated throng.

3. It takes three hours to get a glass of orange juice, thanks to "the rush."

4. If you go with three equally fabulous female friends, you're a cliché.

5. The hollandaise is made from the butter that was languishing on tables the night before. (Didn't you read Kitchen Confidential?)

6. Other people.

7. Your only solution to the sweet-or-savory conundrum is to get both the huevos rancheros and the challah French toast ("to share with the table"), eat all 1200 calories, and self-loathe the rest of the day.

8. That ill-advised Bloody Mary will make the afternoon wither like the stalk of rubbery celery in your glass.

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