By Rich Santos published
I've learned that girls
notice what you're wearing, especially when you're not wearing much. One time I was making out with a girl
in my boxers and socks—well they were my "old man black work socks" that I had
worn with my business casual work outfit. I was entirely too lazy to take these socks off and proceeded to make
out with the girl with no shirt on, but in boxers and the work socks—the look
popularized by the grandfather in Sixteen Candles
when Sam first sees him in the movie. After a few minutes, the girl I was
with said: "can you please take those socks off, it's just a terrible look." I really wasn't that into her, so I
refused. We never spoke again
after that night.
With their snug fit, boxer
briefs exist comfortably with any pants. But it's sad that I'm too fat to wear
them. So, I've continued to wear
the kind of underwear I've always worn: boxer shorts. But is my allegiance to boxer shorts making me look un-sexy
when I have amorous moments in the bedroom?
Graduation from college
was to my beer gut like the Big Bang was to the Universe: like the universe, my beer gut has been
forever expanding. I know better
than to think I can wear a pair of boxer-briefs topped off with tight
elastic. The first time I realized
this was when the elastic from the boxer-briefs I tried to wear eroded a
temporary dent into my gut and left a red mark all the way around it. The models that sell boxer briefs have
perfect washboard six-packs. If I
try to pull off this look, it will just make my gut spill over the elastic—and
I'll look terrible when I take my pants off during an amorous moment. OK, so I must earn the right to wear
the boxer-briefs—just like those women in those weight loss commercials that
exclaim: "now, I can wear whatever I want."
So, that leaves boxer
shorts as my underwear of choice. But there are a few problems in using them as my go-to underwear. Let's examine them:
1. The Patterns
Why do boxer short
designers feel compelled to cover the boxer shorts with the most random objects
in the world? A closer look at my
boxer short inventory revealed the following patterns:
Turkeys (cartoon turkeys,
not ornithologically-correct turkeys)
Baltimore Ravens Logos
Howling wolves separated
by pine trees
Marlin captured mid-leap
out of the water
Blue octopi against a pink
background (cartoon octopi luckily)
Four leaf clovers
I may be wrong but these
prints don't really seem like they are capable of sealing the deal.
2. The Muffin Top
A muffin top is the
distant cousin to the wedgie. When
boxers ride up, they bunch up at the top and then spill over the top of your
pants. You may have read about my "Abusive
Boyfriend Jeans"—the trendy tight ones I've finally figured out how to wear—in
an earlier post. These jeans do
NOT get along with boxer shorts, so when I wear them with boxer shorts the two
garments wrestle with one another constricting my legs, pushing up a muffin
top. In high school, muffin tops
were cool. I gave a quick thought
to selecting boxers that would look good as muffin tops but, at my age, I don't
think girls want to see a muffin top poking out of jeans.
Now, there are a few good
things about boxer shorts: they
say that the looser fit lets the body manufacture more healthy sperm. Also, importantly, boxer shorts don't
make me look as fat as boxer-briefs make me look. So, I'm just going to assume that while dressing to impress
I will never be comfortable. Some
day I'll have a six pack and I'll break out the boxer-briefs: my V-thing and six-pack will just sit
there over the top of my jeans with no muffin top. The nice, tight boxer-brief will fit snug under any pants I
wear. But until then, boxer shorts
But what are your
thoughts? Can a guy ever look sexy
in a pair of goofy boxers? Should
a guy without great abs avoid squeezing into boxer-briefs? Do you guys notice what your man has on
(before it's off) in bed like the girl who tried to put the kabash on my black
old manwork socks? Are boxer shorts our version of your granny panties?
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