I have never been in love. But, from 8th to 12th grade, I thought I was in love a few times. It was especially intense around the ages of 14 and 15. These crushes were on older girls; I had somehow convinced myself that they just didn't realize they loved me too, and some day they'd return the favor.
When I thought I was in love in those days it felt like a violent storm in my head. It floored me. In those days, the world truly revolved around certain girls. This explains why I would not allow my friends to sleep during sleepovers until I finally had drawn my crush's name last out of a box of names-drawing last meant that she was who you'd end up with.
Even the first kiss, clumsy and awkward as it was, had an amazing mood and feeling. It felt special, and rare.
I never thought I'd get over these experiences, but eventually I did...or did I?
The article warns against falling head over heels in love the first time around, and suggest that couples who participate in pragmatic relationships (and not earth shattering magic) find love in adulthood.
I've convinced myself that love and practicality can't work together. Isn't love supposed to be an emotion? Emotions are not practical, or rational.
This may all boil down to immaturity. Perhaps I know the answer, and I refuse to give in to it. Here are the four reasons I need to forget about my first love:
My Life is Different Now
When I was younger, I had so much time to sit around and dream about the perfect love. I had no bills to pay, and my biggest quandary was how I was going to get past a certain level on a video game. I notice the bad news on newscasts every day now, and it effects me. Life used to be nothing but fun, time and oh, mom cooked a great meal every night (man, I miss that more than my first love!). The future was so bright, and there was no past. Now, with more years in my wake, I have so much of the past to compare to the present and future.
One thing that can't be argued is that the first time things are most memorable, and usually most intense. Dealing with the unknown, and being thrown into the fire for the first time leaves an impression. Of course, meeting a new girl can be a new experience, even nowadays. But I do need to find a way to wrap up those first few kisses, and appreciate them for what they were, so I can move on. It's not fair to measure everything against that. This is now the low point of this entire blog, but didn't a wise old sage (AKA Foreigner) say "Feels like the first time"? I guess we are all challenged to keep things fresh and new in adult love...did I really just quote Foreigner?
Was It Even Really Love?
When I was younger, what I thought was love was pretty much infatuation. There is no way that I should be measuring a mature relationship against those feelings of the past. I'm more secure now, more intelligent and experienced-I don't think I will be stuttering, shaky, or tingly when I approach any girl like I was when I was younger. This shouldn't be a requirement for love. Of course, I get that way over Ravens games, so maybe I will be like that over a girl some day.
I Don't Wanna Grow Up
Looking back and trying to hold on to things from my youth, assuming nothing will ever measure up, may just be a way to hold back from growing up. A girlfriend will expect things from me-and that's understandable. But I often wriggle out of situations that require responsibility. Even when I was college aged, my only requirement was that I hat to be a good time for my girlfriend. Now the requirements are much more complicated.
Do you that intense first love at an impressionable age sets a benchmark too high for adult love? Is it necessary for me to let go a bit so I can move on and fall in love in adulthood? Do you remember your first love, and how did they impact your love life as you got older?