1. The way too desperate guy. This lonely soul spent all week looking forward to his party, thinking maybe he'll meet the love of his life and they'd dance the night away or something. He wants to make friends with anyone. He stands at the fringe of conversations going on in the kitchen. He tries to participate in every drinking game and laugh along with everyone else. The two of you should really hang out. No, seriously. Like soon. He just moved here. He doesn't know anyone. Are you on Facebook?
2. The can't-stop-drinking guy. "Alright, looks like we got enough people here to play King's!" is something this guy shouts every party. He wants you to do a shot with him. If you agree, he's going to come back to you every hour. You're his de facto shot partner. He will haunt you. It's 6 a.m. Time to wake up and do a shot. He's offering you shots in your dreams. You're walking into your house on the way home from work and glance over your shoulder. He's standing there across the street longingly, faint in the dying light of a setting sun, but you see him hold up two shot glasses and a bottle of Bacardi. Do a shot with him.
3. The hits-on-you-and-all-your-friends guy. This dude is the Rain Man of getting numbers. He just figures if he hits on enough women, someone will hook up with him eventually. He flirts with you and all your friends the moment you walk in the door. You all think he's super skeevy and gross. But by 5 in the morning, one of you is making out with him in the laundry room.
4. The food warrior. It's been an all-night rager, and there's more jungle juice in your body than there is water. Somehow, this guy appears with enough Taco Bell for everyone, like he just conjured it out of thin air. This dude is marriage material.
5. The needs-to-be-the-center-of-attention guy. This guy is always doing something "crazy" and describes his sense of humor as "really random." One minute, he's sliding down the stairs in a laundry basket, and the next minute, he's shooting off fireworks he found somewhere. Look at him, please. If someone isn't constantly staring at him, he disappears forever. He needs this.
6. The guy who thinks everything he says is interesting. "Let me tell you what's so great about communism," this guy murmurs as he rolls his own cigarette. He acts like he's highly intelligent, but he's really just spouting things he saw on the "I Fucking Love Science" Facebook page. He probably wears a fedora. He chortles a lot and brews his own beer.
7. The guy you don't realize is super high until four hours later. The two of you really hit it off. You've got a good buzz going, and he seems really funny and cool. "Thanks so much for talking to me," he says, eventually. "I'm tripping really bad and your face is just keeping me anchored. You have such a calming aura." OK, well, there goes that.
8. The amateur magician. This guy desperately wants to sleep with you but instead of hitting on you like a socially well-adjusted person, he starts trying to impress you with all the magic he learned sitting inside his room on a Friday night instead of going out. It's a red flag if he brings around his own pack of cards specifically for parties. Get out.
9. The story topper. This guy might be a pretty good conversationalist, but he's always going to respond to your story with a somehow better version of whatever you just told. "Oh, did you used to snowboard? I used to heliski." "Oh, wow. You met the president? That reminds of the time I met the Double President of the Moon." He might be interesting at first, but he gets old fast.
10. The always-eating guy. This guy just hangs out over by the chips and dip all night, so you gotta stay by the table if you want to talk to him at all. Once those run out and he thinks everyone is too drunk to notice, he'll start raiding the cabinets. We see you, guy. We see you eating that sleeve of Chips Ahoy. Those weren't meant for guests.
11. The guy who acts like he doesn't want to be there. Oh, a friend dragged him along. He doesn't know anyone and he doesn't care to. He just kinda hangs out in the kitchen and every once in a while, snickers to himself like he's so high and mighty. He tries use lines on you like, "Oh, you're the only cool person here," as if insulting all your friends is going to make you DTF.
12. The guy who gets you number and thinks it's cute to text you while you're both still at the party. "HI ITS MARK LOL WHAT R U UP 2 LOL" And then he looks at you from across the room with this big, goofy grin like he's hilarious. Get ready to receive 11 texts a day from this guy. Each of them will contain at least two LOLs.
13. The douche sommelier. This is the guy who thinks he's the only asshole who owns Sideways on DVD. He doesn't drink the same swill you all do. Oh, you're all chugging? That'd be a waste of his vintage chardonnay. Fuck you, dude. We all know you go home and drink Keystone.
14. The guy you might know from high school. You've definitely seen him before. You're not sure where. He knows your name already. You spend the next half hour hoping he'll give you some kind of clue as to who he is while you feign recognition. You go in the bathroom and scroll through all your Facebook friends and he isn't there. You decide to just avoid him the rest of the party.
15. The guy you think is hitting on you but really he just needs emotional support.The two of you have so much in common. You're bonding, you're laughing, you're not even paying attention to anyone else at the party. Then he tells you he really needed this because he and his girlfriend are going through a rough patch and he disappears into the night.
16. The drink police. "YO, WHY DOESN'T THIS GIRL HAVE A DRINK. SOMEONE GET HER A DRINK." Everyone needs to be drinking. Why don't you have a drink in your hand? Get to the keg. Bam! He appears out of nowhere with a drink for you the second you finish the one in your hand. You'd think he's trying to get you drunk so he can sleep with you, but you're pretty sure he's just an alcohol robot with a single directive.
17. The music changer. This guy doesn't live here, but he's going through the iPod that's on, nodding his head along to the music, shouting out all the bands he recognizes to no one in particular. At one point, he will inadvertently turn off a song everyone loves and get yelled at.
18. The feel-free-to-just-crash-here guy. The party might not even be taking place at his house, but he "knows the dudes that live here and it's cool." He doesn't want anyone to go home. He brought an air mattress. The two of you can share it. Why are you leaving? Why would anyone leave?
19. The I-know-I'm-attractive guy. This guy did some modeling when he was younger. He knows he's the best-looking person at this party. "Isn't it great that I'm talking to you?" his eyes seem to say. You thought he was cute when you first got there, but you lose interest the second you realize all he wants to do is flex in front of you.
20. Your best friend's little brother. You didn't realize he was even old enough to drink. He's grown up so much since you last saw him. You might even find him attractive and it makes you want to drink more. You're not sure if he's flirting you or treating you like an old friend. What is going on right now?
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I am a human male that enjoys consuming meals consisting of all five food groups and fulfilling every level of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. I write about sex-having.
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