As you know, I'm pretty conservative in bed. When I jokingly tell my friend Margaret (a proper Southern girl) that she's "so missionary," I'm the pot calling the kettle black. Recently, a friend told me a story that reminded me why I avoid dirty talk.
My friend met a guy on Match.com and their third date was a lovely day at a museum. Just like any person who was on the fence about a guy, my friend was anticipating their first kiss as an indicator for whether there was any spark. For this third date, they spent a lovely day at a museum, and then headed back to his apartment.
They sat on the couch, but my friend was a little nervous because the guy's roommate was in his bedroom. As soon as they sat down, he attacked and started kissing her. He was over-aggressive and slobbery and also was moaning heavily the entire time.
My friend told him she was uncomfortable because they were across from his roommate's room, in an attempt to get out of it. But it made matters worse-- he took her into his bedroom. They continued making out and he was moaning intensely while my friend just lied there.
He kept trying to get her clothes off while she fought back "no, no, no." Keep in mind this was their first kiss, and she was starting to feel insulted that he thought she was this easy.
Then, it happened: the dirty talk. He whispered in her ear: "I wanna lick your vagina." My friend gasped incredulously. While he was conjuring up poetic things to say, she was trying to figure out how to leave. Then, the guy proved that he could trump that tragic last sentence he had whispered.
Based on the fact that he was not yet "licking her vagina", he decided to rephrase his question using slang instead of the anatomically correct verbiage he had tried before. He also chose a new verb:
"I want to taste your roast beef slices."
Still no luck for our hero. My friend said: "oh no," while laughing, then made up an excuse to get out of his apartment. She emailed him the next day and said it wasn't going to work out, but told me she should have said: "when you start referring to a woman's anatomy as deli meats, that's a problem!"
I'm struggling to understand why this guy thought his verbal approach was going to work. Phrases like "roast beef slices" are said amongst my guy friends on long car rides so that we can all laugh stupidly. Under no circumstances, should this be dredged up in conversation with girls, and definitely not in bed.
Even though I know not to say something like "roast beef slices", I still consider dirty talk in bed a risky endeavor. I have a few reasons why I refrain from dirty talk:
1. If it aint broke, dont fix it Once Ive made it into bed with a girl, no way Im going to let my stupid mouth wreck things up. In face, weve most likely made it to this point in spite of my mouth. There are so many incorrect things I could say from weak, to gross, to just downright bizarre. Last thing I need is to give this girl some material for a girls night conversation.
2. Who are you kidding, Rich, you wouldnt even know what to say anywayLets say I was confident enough to say something. What would the content be? One time I almost blurted out: oh my god, youre so hot, in a moment of passion. That is so lame. Every cliché dirty phrase can be disproved:
- youve been a bad girl...pediphillic
- do you like that?...only insecure people seek constant
- I wanna X, Y, Z..."...how about just
doing it? Actually doing it will be ten
times hotter for the other person than just hearing it
- Ive been thinking about this all
day,...really? Has your day been that boring and unproductive?
3. The Name Game Im getting old. At work, Ill address a co-worker Ive been working with for years: Hey...whats your name...whats your name...JENN! In amongst my jumbled thoughts during sex, theres a good chance that the wrong name could come out. Then we have a whole other set of problems.
Perhaps I'm missing the point. Do you enjoy dirty talk in bed? Do you have any horror stories because of dirty talk? What is your take on dirty talk? Good (dirty) fun? Or does it depend on the relationship?