Here are the rest of the reasons I’ve never enjoyed sex (check out the previous post for the full effect):
4. What If she’s not enjoying it?
I get turned on when the girl is turned on. Sometimes when I’m with a girl I’m worried that she’s not enjoying it or that I’m doing something wrong. Instead of losing myself in the feeling, sometimes I’ll read too much into a girl’s reactions.
“Uh oh, her body twitched when I did that. Man, she probably didn’t like what I just did at all—she’s lost all confidence in me, and she’s going to tell her friends how bad an experience this was.”
Naturally the moment is ruined as soon as those thoughts creep up. If a girl is not having fun or feeling excited when we are together, there’s no reason to be there. This also leads to me not making a move when a girl gets in bed with me—I don’t want to be touchy-feely guy. I’m always worried that if I make a move, I’ll offend a girl or overstep my boundaries.
5. So many things can go wrong
This problem is similar to my fear of flying. Think of the idea of a plane taking off, all of the wires and gadgets and computers contributing to the functionality of the plane. How in the world does the plane make it off the ground, and if just one of those many things don’t’ function correctly, will the plane go down? My biggest fear during sex is that my erection will go away. The moments that go by while I’m putting on a condom are absolutely agonizing. The whole time I’m fumbling with it, or she’s fumbling with it, I’m thinking: “oh my god, oh my god, my erection is going to go away and I’m going to fail”. Another fear I have is that I’m contracting an STD the whole time I’m having sex. I’ve read everything about every STD, which wasn’t such a good idea. Add this to the many other things that can go wrong: bad touches, too much teeth during a kiss, too long during sex or too short, falling off the bed, etc...and it is a collection of potential disasters.
6. The porn and masturbation effect
Just like any guy, I love porn. After all of these years of practicing on myself I have perfected exactly what I need to do to get to orgasm. I grew up thinking that a guy needs to hold out on having an orgasm as long as he can during sex, or else he’ll get the reputation of being lame in bed. This has led to me achieving orgasm just twice in all the times I’ve had sex: once because my girlfriend had given me a speech about how bad it made her feel that I didn’t have orgasms with her, and once in high school because the girl’s dad came home unexpectedly and there was no other choice but to finish. I try to make sure that I don’t look at so much porn that I don't get unreal ideas of sex in real life or get desensitized to sex. But sometimes it just feels safer in to stay out of the game and take care of things on my own—that guarantees I’ll never be hurt.
I think most of these reasons add up to me being a victim of never meeting a girl that I connected with. If I meet the right girl, I should be able to be comfortable when I’m close to her-- not worry about making mistakes. And with the right girl, I can value the journey we take together as we learn about each other’s physical, mental, and spiritual turn-ons. One night stands have always left me feeling empty. I just don’t think it’s worth it to get that close physically to someone that I don’t have deep feelings for. So, I haven’t been with the right girl, I think too much, and I expect too much from sex—this is my final theory on why I’ve never enjoyed sex. Maybe I’m naïve to think I’ll get that “world is ending and beginning” feeling from sex, but I have to believe it’s possible some day. Any thoughts? I welcome your advice!