1. Fun Fur
Bright colors and wild patchwork and prints.
Frank (the straight one): I realize this is fur, but it looks like a bathrobe. I can't imagine going out with this unless you're going for that "Britney-Spears-Shaved-Head-I-Go-Outside-in-my-Underwear-and-Have-Tissue-Boxes-on-my-Feet" chic.
Charles: I love this. It's so colorful. I mean, it is called "fun fur" — emphasis on the fun.
2. Knee-Length Shorts
Long and loose.
Frank: I feel like this is what I would make if I were on a season of Project Runway, or someone designed these off of a 5-year-old's crayon drawing of shorts.
Charles: I hate the idea that you can only wear shorts in the spring and summer. Boring! Besides, these are leather shorts and leather is very cold-weather friendly.
Frank: Leather is cold-weather friendly? Now I can't stop thinking about bondage skiwear.
The more colorful, the better/more fashionable.
Frank: Lace like this is the fondant of clothing: it's garish and adds nothing of purpose.
Charles: Shut your mouth! This is Christopher Kane. The man is a genius! I'm surprised that you are having such a negative reaction to this particular dress. It's short, tight and partially see-through. Isn't that pretty much everything straight guys want in a dress?
Frank: It could be twice as short and twice as tight and it would still look like the floral print on my great-grandma's couch.
4. Bag Baubles
Charms, toys, and little furry things clipped to handbags.
Frank: I think it's great that they let a junior camper with a glue gun design a bag.
Charles: Frank! This is Fendi! Show some damned respect! I love these furry little things. If I had one I would name it and talk to it and switch it from bag to bag to bag. If only I had an extra $800 lying around.
5. Dresses Over Pants
Skirts over pants too.
Frank: I don't think the idea of a dress/pant combo is so bad, but these look like two drapes.
Charles: I'm warming up to the whole dress-over-pants thing. I generally think it looks better when the pants are a bit more fitted than they are here, but I don't hate this. It's better than leggings.
6. Cargo Pockets
On pants, shirts, jackets. Everything.
Frank: Sixth grade me is so amped right now. This is exactly what happens when phones start becoming way too huge for normal pockets. People forget how terrible early-2000s Matrix rave fashion was.
Charles: Not my favorite trend either, but better on women than on men. I never trust a man in cargo anything. Sixth grader or otherwise.
7. Visible Underwear
High waisted on the bottom and bandeau on top.
Frank: I'm OK with this. Let's move on.
Charles: Really? It looks like she's wearing control top panties to me, but I guess to you she's just that much closer to naked, right?
8. Matchy Matchy
One print all over — top, jacket, skirt, bag, everything.
Frank: I feel like this is one of those designs that looks great in a photo, but would just make you look like you were trying to hard if you were walking down the street with it on.
Charles: I think it's fun. Out in the world, away from the matching background, I think this would look amazing. Besides, it's Valentino and Valentino is perfect.
Not to be confused with ponchos.
Frank: I'm glad for the "poncho" annotation, because this looks way less like Batman and more like Paddington Bear. I don't think I'd look twice if I saw someone walking down the street in this. It really just looks like they draped a coat over their shoulders.
Charles: Why are you hating on Paddington Bear. He is sweet and lovable, which is more than I can say for you right now.
Frank: I like the look, and I like Pattington Bear.This just really took me out of my "cape" comfort zone, is all.
Charles: You have a cape comfort zone?
Sparkles, beads, and embroideries all over the place.
Frank: I feel like this is vaguely culturally offensive, like a chintzy souvenir you'd get from some Arizona truck stop.
Charles: Is that what you thought when you saw Kim Kardashian at the VMAs this year in a very similar dress from the same collection? Or did her cleavage negate your outrage?
Frank: I can be outraged and aroused at the same time.
11. Animal Print
Leopard, zebra, and snake — in natural and rainbow colors alike.
Frank: Honestly, this doesn't surprise me and animal print is nothing new. That said, this dress looks like someone hemmed a leopard-print Snuggie.
Charles: Oh my god! Snuggie should totally make clothes. They already make Halloween costumes. Snuggie clothing would make so much money!
12. Leather dresses
Fitted, but not skin-tight.
Frank: This looks like something a robot would wear in a movie Michael Bay directed about a future utopia. Hold on, is this an actual picture of a robot and you're just trying to trick me?
Charles: No. She's human. It's just that this particular dress looks best when you stand just so.
Frank: So this is expensive clothing you can't move in?
Charles: You can. It just won't look as good, and when you are rich enough to actually buy an Alexander McQueen leather dress, you can afford to hire people to move for you.
13. Wide-Leg Pants
Frank: These are just bell-bottoms, right? They're bell-bottoms.
Charles: They're not just bell bottoms, Frank. They are $2000, stone-washed, drop-croch, sailor bell bottoms. At least they're not low-rise flares. That I could not stand.
14. Mixed Prints
Two or more prints per piece of clothing.
Frank: Power clashing. I'm actually kind of into this one even though it looks like something a cruise director would wear.
Charles: Power clashing! Ha ha ha. Oh, Frank. You're so cute. Almost as cute as this outfit.
15.Oversized T-Shirt Dresses
XL and a little stiff.
Frank: Isn't this a muumuu? Either that, or it's a hospital gown from the future.
Charles: Oh my god. You are so right. How did I not see that? Very "I'm here for my check-up Dr. Chic." Do you think it ties closed in the back?
Frank: I like that one of the few things we agree on here is that this woman looks like she's about to get a very fashionable lobotomy.