I Hate Cuddling

I don't need your body heat or your sweat; what I need is some space.

Woman in bed
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Cuffing season is rough for me.

The temperature is dropping and I should be more than happy to snuggle up in bed with my boyfriend and my cat, and fall asleep in pretzel formation. But I'm not.

I really hate cuddling. I'll do a hug, I'll even occasionally lie on my boyfriend's chest while we talk at night. But like clockwork, in about five minutes, I get hot and bothered — in a bad way. He knows then that it's time to turn to our respective corners and sleep the night away. Between the chubby cat sleeping near my pillow and the husky man lying next to me, I have enough heating power to melt the icecaps.

It's not like this is a new thing. When I was dating around, I hated cuddling even more. My friend always said that it wasn't the sex that made you like guys, it was the cuddling afterward. I highly disagree. The sex was pretty much enough for me to like people. Then I wanted out, preferably in time to get a burrito and take a shower. 

I used to make all kinds of excuses so I didn't have cuddle with some guy I just felt like going home with. Seriously, guys who don't even call you again want to cuddle for some reason. This isn't ancient times; we have heat and blankets. I don't need your warmth to stay alive.

What I really and truly don't understand are the people who are able to sleep wrapped up in each other. I have so many questions. Like, do you drool on each other? Is that just a thing you're fine with? Are you both reptiles who struggle to regulate your body temperatures? What if one of you needs a drink? Do you just let the other one cling to your underbelly and come with when you get up? Or do you just not move throughout the night at all?

It's pretty clear that my need for space and my hatred for arm sweat and standard cuddling are bad enough. But what I really loathe is spooning. Why is this a thing? I don't want your arm on my stomach — I want you to forget I have a stomach at all. I don't want to be melded to you by sweat, and I don't want a sneeze or a twitch to make me accidentally crush your crotch. I don't want to feel like I have a giant, fuzzy jetpack on.

I understand why some people feel the need to cuddle, I suppose. It's nice to feel physical affection with someone. But I get that kind of attention and satisfaction when I kiss my boyfriend or by putting my legs on his lap while we watch a movie. I get that when he runs his fingers through my hair when I have a headache or holds my hand.

Sleep is one of the last frontiers in which we get to truly be alone with our thoughts. I am perfectly fine with sprawling out on my own side of the bed, phone off and white noise on. It doesn't make me love my boyfriend any less and it doesn't make me any less of an affectionate partner.

It just makes me way less sweaty.

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