Over the weekend, I was flipping through a fetchingly pink book of 100 love poems written by young American poets when I came across a hilarious and sweet little ditty that I thought I'd share ... Yes. A "poem"! But it's incredibly easy on the eyes. A breeze to read, and you'll like it, I promise. (I bolded the best bits.)
WHY I LOOK AT GIRLS*
By Christian Langworthy
I look at girls as an act of escapism
while reading books at Barnes & Noble
on the death of poetry. I look at girls
because I think Darryl Hannah was perfect
in the role of a cave woman.
I look at girls especially when I have my beer
goggles on. I look at girls for ideological reasons
I have yet to ponder. I look at girls
when Baywatch isn't on.
I look at girls left exposed by the fall
of the "Iron Curtain" & I look
jealously at the half-a-billion comrades
lusting after Chairman Mao behind the Great China Wall,
but most of all, I look at girls as I am an agent
for the CIA. I look at girls who check out other men.
I look at girls who lust after girls. I look at girls though
sometimes I am frightened to death after
taking my beer goggles off. I look at girls
for intellectual reasons, correlating Marxism,
gender, & Colonialism from Mary Wollstonecraft
to Jamaica Kincaid. I look at girls despite
the fact that Molly Ringwald can't act. I look
at girls based on the recommendation of my therapist
who says I need to break out of my shyness
maybe next year. I look at girls ever since I dated
an American Gladiator known in the business as "Ice"
who likes to beat people up. I look at girls
to get back at City Hall for closing down
PeepWorld. I look at girls who return my glance
because I am a sensitive, considerate man.
I look at girls in Hollywood
even if they're on Heidi Fleiss' payroll.
I look at girls who study the paintings of
Van Gogh, Bonnard, Matisse,
and some other famous guys I can only remember
with the help of a Metropolitan Museum of Modern Art
brochure. I look at girls who read Rousseau,
Locke, and Rawls and then again, I look at girls who
aren't cross-eyed after reading Rawls, Locke,
& Rousseau. I look at girls when no one
else looks at them because I am a sensitive, considerate
man. I look at girls who aren't really girls,
but never for more than a second
& never twice. I look at girls on film.
I look at girls who grow older.
This of course begs the question: What makes YOU look at a guy, or a girl?
PS: My friend Chris called me out on yesterday's post, saying he could not abide by my giving top honors to Belle+Sebastian and The Shins. But did he have some other suggestions about which bands trump them? No, he did not! If YOU have them, I might be willing to hear them. ... And I forgot to mention we have our own indie-rocker, right here in our midst: one of my loyal readers, Rod, is a musician himself! ... Also, I'm still waiting for one of you guys to hook me up with Spencer Krug. Come on, dudes!