Fun At The Urologist II: Do I Need A Sex Therapist?

Like any painful experience, the Urology ordeal taught me

about myself and I was even "prescribed" something. Here is what I learned:

Oh, The Person I Could Be

The awkward moments started immediately after my

appointments were set. It started

with my father warning me:

"No ejaculation for 3-5 days before your appointment."

First of all, I haven't talked sex with my parents since

that defining moment I realized that Robert Plant was actually mimicking an

orgasm during Led Zeppelin's "Whole Lotta Love" while it played in the car the

summer before 8th grade.

Innocence was out the window from that point onward.

Having my father dictate my ejaculation schedule was bad

enough, but did he know how tall an order that was? No masturbating for three days? That's like the dentist telling you "no eating" for a couple

of hours after fluoride treatment:

impossible.

But quitting masturbation for a week made me a productive

member of society.: I cleaned my

apartment, I wrote music, I read (actual books-real ones like Melville &

Sylvia Plath), I called my parents just to say "hi".

Every night I made plans; if I was idle at home, I'd lie on

my bed like a recovering drug addict going cold turkey: sweating in the fetal position longing

to masturbate. That week was

amazing-I met so many great people, and shared great times. I was truly on the go. I surmised that

I might be addicted to masturbation because it hinders me from being

productive.

How Do We Get Here?

Along with the actual count of my sperm, the Urologist told

me: "...and 50% of your sperm are

motile and 10% are normally formed."

I asked: "that's pretty bad right?'

But it turns out that 50% moving is normal and between 2-14%

of correctly formed sperm is normal.

Who knew? It dawned on me

that, with my personality, I must have been a non-moving malformed spermthat

happened to get caught up in the right current and fell backwards into my

mother's egg.

I wondered how much better my life would be had one of those

motile, good-looking sperms made it to the egg. It was a moment of true reflection: how the hell did I get here, with the

deck so stacked against me during conception? And, I realized that my own body has a few mysteries to me,

just like the female body does.

I Need Help

At the Urologist, I was told to fill out this ghastly

questionnaire about "erection confidence & sexual enjoyment". After tallying up my answer scores I

looked at the "answer key" and it basically told me:

"Um...you might want to consider seeing someone, FREAK!"

Ouch.

I pushed the sheet away, like a young child would do to a

plate after finishing dinner, never wanting to see it again. Then the Urologist followed up with

this awful "are you enjoying sex" conversation. I told the doctor I feared STDs, worried that I would lose

erections during sex, that my mind wandered during sex, and I rarely enjoyed

sex.

"Do you wake up with erections," he asked.

"Yes, and that makes me feel a little bit more confident."

"Good, it should."

The one time I felt comfortable during this conversation was

when I brought the doctor and Resident down to my level of sophomoric humor:

"I guess I just worry about all the issues that could (no

pun intended) arise?"

We exchanged laughter and the doctor said: "Oh, you can use

puns here."

OK, so (as we call the morning erection phenomenon) "morning

wood" is a good thing-maybe an affirming thing. Guys have long debated why we wake up in the morning with

erections, making morning urination an adventure. But none of us ever realized that it could be our penis

testing itself and telling us:

"yup, everything is working correctly down here, Captain."

Despite my consistent morning wood, I told the doctor that

anxiety persisted during sex, so he prescribed a Sex Therapist. Then he asked another question that got

me into a mental debate with myself:

"Would you like to see a woman or a man?"

Geeze. A guy

would probably understand me better, but a woman would be more nurturing and

might be totally hot (like the movies)! But a woman might think I'm a total pervert when she digs deep into the

dark corners of my mind. I opted

for a woman. And I will be seeing

her soon.

Do you think it's possible to be addicted to

masturbation? Also, has anyone

ever seen a Sex Therapist? I'm

hoping she can help, but I'm a little nervous, so any insight would be

appreciated. Did you ever learn

you don't know everything about your body from a doc visit like this?

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