My 4 Guilty Political Crushes

Which politicians would you vote for, if the issue that was being decided was who to invite into your bed?

I raise this question because The New York Times ran a story about a man who may very well be the Politician Most Likely to Become a Swimsuit Model — a story that was basically about the "ab-tastic" hotness of 29-year-old Representative Aaron Schock (Republican-Illinois). The Times linked to a photo spread in GQ, which I clicked on first. There was Schock, in one impeccable wool suit after another, looking up at the camera with a wide grin — and I was thinking, "I would get behind you, Mr. Schock! Or maybe you'd like to get behind me first..."

But then I checked out the TMZ photo of Schock in a red bathing suit, showing off his washboard stomach. And there was something kinda trashy-looking about that; the aesthetic in that pic was less GQ and more porn mag, perhaps because of the very well-endowed woman in a bikini who is leaning over the back of Schock's chair. Finally, I looked at a picture of Mr. Schock in a pink-checkered shirt, turquoise belt, and white jeans at a White House picnic that got a lot of attention on Capitol Hill's gay staff listserv — and he indeed looked so gay that this warm-blooded heterosexual girl totally lost her erection.

I've had some weird political crushes in the past. For instance, I was once fascinated by Ari Fleischer, the erstwhile press secretary for President George W. Bush. If you'll recall, Ari is sorta chubby, definitely balding, and not exactly handsome. The fact that I was hot for his bod made NO sense to anyone, least of all to me. The only explanation I have for that crush is that he appeared on TV a lot after the September 11 attacks to reassure America ... so maybe I thought he was a big, important, capable man who would protect me — and that's why I dug him.

Somewhat similarly, I also had a crush on Bernard Kerik, the New York City police commissioner during the 9/11 terrorist crisis. As Mayor Rudy Giuliani's right-hand man, Kerik was always appearing at press conferences, playing the role of the strong, silent type. With his shiny, bald head and a major moustache, he had a "naughty highway patrolman" appeal. I imagined Bernie might be aggressively energetic in bed, which I like. (Pick me up and throw me down, Kerik!) Unfortunately, my bad-cop fantasies weren't that far off the mark: After a scandal related to his employment of a nanny who was illegally in the country, he was found guilty of some ethics violations and tax fraud.

These days, of course, I think President Barack Obama is exceedingly handsome — but, maybe because he seems like such a good person (and such a devoted husband), I never find myself overcome with fantasies of asking to see his oval offices.

His chief of staff, Rahm Emanuel, is another story. I don't know what it is about that guy — maybe how often he's with his hands in his pockets or on his hips, which pushes back his suit jacket thereby drawing my attention to a certain region of the body? Or maybe I'm attracted to the no-nonsense badass way he projects power? But he can chief my sass (or sass my chief) any day of the week.

Lovelies: Can you please tell me which politicians YOU have the irrational hots for, so I can feel better about my own wacko crushes?

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