Expectations vs. Reality: Breaking Up

1. Expectation: It'll happen at home, in person.

Reality: It'll happen over text while you're comparing the costs of two bulk dried couscous bags at Shopway.

2. Expectation: You'll have a kinda sexy screaming match that culminates in breakup sex.

Reality: You will have an incredibly awkward and anxiety-ridden conversation on the couch, and not look each other in the eye.

3. Expectation: You'll quietly, elegantly gather the thongs that you left in the Girlfriend Drawer of his dresser.

Reality: You'll become a tearful ball of snot with no dignity.

4. Expectation: Seeing how upset you've made each other will make you realize how much you love each other!

Reality: You'll get freaked out by each other's weeping.

5. Expectation: You'll spend the first post-breakup evening making yourself look as awesome as possible, wear your tightest freakum dress, and rebound with a member of Kings of Leon.

Reality: You'll spend the evening in bed, watching Sex and the City and dropping caramel popcorn all over yourself without caring.

6. Expectation: You're mature enough to stay Facebook friends with him and not stalk his profile daily.

Reality: When a picture of him with a bunch of girls at a bar pops up on your feed at work, you have a tiny, imperceptible breakdown until you can get to the office bathroom and have a real breakdown.

7. Expectation: Your friends will give you as much time as you need to decompress and heal.

Reality: After a brief grace period, your friends will start getting kind of annoyed about how self-centered you've been. (And you have been.)

8. Expectation: You'll throw yourself into work, health, or creative projects with a new gusto and wind up propelling yourself to massive success on the wings of your pain.

Reality: You'll accidentally memorize the backs of boxes of snack cakes.

9. Expectation: Within one month, he will become nothing more than a sniveling, unattractive shell of himself and you'll wonder why you ever even liked him.

Reality: Within one month, he will lose five pounds and get a tan.

10. Expectation: Within three months, he'll be standing outside your window in the rain begging to get you back.

Reality: Within three months, you'll realize there are more fish in the sea than that one fish. That one Grand Theft Auto-playing, Family Guy boxers-wearing semi-stoner fish. And you'll stop looking out your window for him.

11. Expectation: You don't think about him much anymore but it's tough eating out alone.

Reality: You're no-strings hooking up with that hot friend you always wanted, but the timing was bad. Oh, and eating out alone is awesome.

12. Expectation: You lose half your friends because they were his friends too.

Reality: The people who really love you can't get stolen. If they did, they weren't gonna stick around anyway.

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Photo Credit: Summit Entertainment