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"Get To" Versus "Have To"

"Get To" Versus "Have To"

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MovieThe buzz surrounding the movie He's Just Not That Into You" led to an epiphany for me the other day.

It's amazing how many of us trudge through relationships that we are not really into. Why do we do this? That's another question I think I'll answer later, but I realized a quick way to tell if I'm into a girl (sometimes it's hard to know).

It goes beyond what I proposed a while back: a guy is not into you if he won't go out of his way for you. I still believe this is true, but an extension of this has to do with what happens in a guy's mind when he's spending time with a girl.

There has always been two ways I look at spending time with any girl I've ever dated:

"I have to do it..."

"I get to do it..."

The first thought represents time spent with someone as an obligation, while the second represents time spent with someone as a privilege.

There have been plenty of girls I've thought to myself-even about the most mundane things-"wow, I'd get to hang out with her?" Sadly, I don't get to date those girls.

If a guy is into a girl, even chores can be privileges. My buddy just moved in with his girlfriend and, of course, it was a tough endeavor as moving tends to be. But I never once heard him complain about it, or lament that he had to do it, and- believe me-he would have complained if he felt compelled to complain.

Can this feeling ever wear off-this feeling of getting to do something with a girl, whether it's driving her to the airport, or going to a wedding with her. I think it can get less intense, but it will always be there.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, there is "having" to do something. This is the one I am always hung up in. A girl I'm involved with will ask me to give her a call, or help her out with something. I dread the entire thing and feel obligated to her. Instead I wish I could just sit in my apartment and chill, read, watch sports, and cook.

Ok, so I've become jaded by the dating scene, but I still do get that "get to be around her" feeling when I actually meet an intriguing girl. There are three women in this entire city right now that I would feel privileged to be around. All of them are unavailable for some reason, but hopefully I can meet more women I feel privileged to be around.

My family and friends always tell me: "when you meet her, you'll want to be around her a lot, and it won't seem like a chore."

I guess I'm waiting for that to happen.

I am inclined to believe that this girl-whoever she may be-is going to be like my close friends: they can call me any time and I'm happy to meet or help out. On top of this, every endeavor with my close friends feels like a new adventure even though I've known some of them for years. When I'm with my friends I really do feel privileged to be around smart, funny, caring people who want to spend time with me, and that feeling will never wear off.

It might be impossible to expect to feel that privilege feeling all the time-maybe going to see my wife's in-laws will have a little "have to" involved. But I sure hope when I find the right one that the privilege outweighs the obligation.

So there you have it-a quick way for me to tell if I'm into a girl: if she asks me to do something for her or spend time with her: do I get to do that, or do I have to do that?

Does my theory make sense, or is it natural for people to get annoyed with one another at some point? Does this feeling of privilege wear off eventually, or does it live throughout the relationship if you're right for one another? Is it unhealthy to put a girl on a pedestal by feeling privileged in her presence? Have you or anyone you know ever trudged through a "have to" relationship?

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