1. January 7: Blissful ignorance of what's to come. It's Blue Ivy's birthday! The new album has been out for several weeks and it is without question the greatest thing ever made. This year is going to rule!
2. January 26: I hope I don't have to tell my mom what "surfboard" means. Bey performs "Drunk in Love" for the first time at the Grammys (with Jay Z, of course), and it is incredible. Never has wet hair looked this appealing.
3. March 27: What am I going to do with myself till summer? "The Mrs. Carter Show" tour ends, leaving the Beyhive with little to do in the absence of new concert photos. Oh well, better watch the visual album another four or five times.
4. April 12: Has science made it possible to switch bodies with someone else, just for a day? Beyoncé surprises everyone at Coachella by appearing onstage with Solange, making everybody realize that it might be cooler to be Beyoncé's sister for a day instead of actual Beyoncé, because maybe having the unconditional love of Beyoncé bestowed upon you is better than having to shoulder the responsibilities of a queen.
5. April 15: If this is a hoax, I'm crackin' skulls. Page Six quotes a source who alleges that Beyoncé and Jay Z will tour together in the summer. Pennies are saved. Pre-presale anxiety sets in, even in the absence of official confirmation.
6. April 24: Finally, the world has recognized my queen in an appropriate fashion. Beyoncé covers TIME's Most Influential People issue. It is beautiful.
7. April 28: OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD. The "On the Run" tour gets an official announcement. There are no words.
8. Later on April 28: I'm gonna need to renew my Xanax prescription before these tickets go on sale. The emotional stages of buying Beyoncé tickets are so complex that they require their own post.
9. April 29: Bankruptcy. Does anyone know where I can get some extra work?
10. May 3: LOL, I'm totally a card-carrying member of the Beygency. Saturday Night Live airs "The Beygency," a delightful and 100 percent accurate sketch about the secret squad of enforcers who come for you whenever you speak ill of King B. Even Beyoncé likes it, writing, "Haaaaaaaaaaaa" on Instagram.
11. May 12: This is probably what the apocalypse feels like. TMZ releases a video of Solange attacking Jay Z in an elevator after the Met Gala one week earlier. Do the Knowles-Carters secretly hate each other? Why is Beyoncé just standing there? What is Solange so mad about? How long has she been mad about it? What in Blue Ivy's name is going on here?
12. Later on May 12: Are they fucking kidding me right now? Beyoncé and Jay Z attend a Nets game like absolutely nothing happened. "Elevator? What elevator? Honestly, we don't even know what an elevator is, because when we need to get to higher floors, we just use the retractable angel wings we've been hiding under our Tom Ford all these years."
13. May 14: Oh my god, please get a publicist already. Beyoncé continues to not respond to the elevator incident by posting several photos of herself with Solange. They're just sisters who love each other, OK? And sometimes kick each other's husbands in elevators.
14. May 15: That's it? A full three days after the fact, Bey and Jay release a joint statement about the elevator fight. It is, to the say least, very unilluminating and does little to quell fears about marital unrest between Hov and Yoncé.
15. May 18: *Widespread fainting.* Bey and Jay drop the "Run" video, which is more or less an extended promo for their upcoming "On the Run" tour, but also doubles as the greatest fake movie trailer ever made. At least one fan started a petition to get them to turn it into a real, full-length film, but alas, no luck. There's always next year, people.
16. May 24: Damn, girl. Beyoncé skips the Kimye wedding, probably because she doesn't want to attract attention away from the blushing bride, but maybe, maybe because the rumors are true and she doesn't care for the new Mrs. West all that much. She opts for an Instagram from the Kimye Vogue shoot and the message, "Wishing you a lifetime of unconditional love. God bless your beautiful family."
17. July 2: I would never, ever cheat on Beyoncé. Video of Bey singing "Resentment" during the "On the Run" tour surfaces. In the clip, she changes the lyrics to reflect the number of years she's been married to Jay Z, leading many to believe that he really did cheat her on the past and their relationship is not as ***flawless as Instagram would have you believe. It also makes you realize that if you ever get the chance to cheat on Beyoncé, you better not do it, you monster, because she will publicly shame you about it while feigning tears and wearing a wedding dress.
18. July 19: UNADULTERATED TERROR. Page Six publishes the first of several stories about Beyoncé's impending divorce from Jay Z. It's all conjecture and "close" sources, but it still feels worse than when your actual parents really did get divorced. Who's going to take Blue Ivy? And more importantly, how can Bey and Jay adopt me if they're not together anymore?
19. July 24: I guess I have to see Fifty Shades now. A slowed-down version of "Crazy in Love" appears in the first trailer for Fifty Shades of Grey, lending it an air of legitimacy and about 300 extra doses of hotness.
20. August 3: YAAAAAAAAAS. Beyoncé and Nicki Minaj release the "Flawless" remix, which contains the line, "Of course sometimes shit go down when it's a billion dollars on the elevator." Now that is how you respond to a scandal.
21. August 4: Existential dread. A woman calling herself the "emotional" mistress of Jay Z releases a video called "Sorry Ms Carter" [sic]. She seems, well, drunk, but the fear that the ever-present divorce rumors are true becomes increasingly real.
22. Circa August 5: Holy shit, is this divorce really happening? Beyoncé hangs out with her BFF Gwyneth Paltrow, who earlier in the year announced her "conscious uncoupling" from husband Chris Martin. One hopes they were just eating some popcorn and watching Love Actually or whatever, but it's hard not to worry that Goop was trying to drop some newly acquired divorce knowledge on Bey.
23. August 15: My world is crumbling. A woman named Tina Seals files a lawsuit against Beyoncé and Jay Z claiming that she's actually the mother of Blue. Nothing really comes of it (Seals has done this with other stars), but it's just one more thing to add to the growing pile of evidence that all is not well in Knowles-Carter land.
24. August 20: The Illuminati is real. More than a year after Beyoncé and Jay Z's trip to Cuba, the U.S. Treasury Department releases a nine-page report confirming that the visit was entirely legal. The information itself is relatively banal, but the timing is suspicious. Why is this suddenly in the news after all these months of alleged marital problems? Is it because it reminds people of a happier time when Beyoncé and Jay Z traveled to embargoed countries just to celebrate their love? No one knows for sure, of course, but probably.
25. August 24: Feminist. A person who believes in the social, political, and economic equality of the sexes. Beyoncé declares her allegiance to the cause at the VMAs, where she later accepts the Michael Jackson Video Vanguard Award. It is everything.
26. Simultaneously on August 24: But really, how illegal is it to steal someone else's child? Blue Ivy nearly upstages her mother's 16-minute performance by sitting on Jay's lap and doing the "Flawless" dance, then appearing in a behind-the scenes video where she tells Bey that everybody said "good job" about the show.
27. September 4: *Break for national holiday.* In the year of our Lord nineteen-hundred and eighty-one, Beyoncé Giselle Knowles-Carter blessed the world with her presence and forever altered the course of human history. We honor her 33 years of life on this planet with our mediocre impressions of the "Single Ladies" dance and our best "I woke up like this" selfies. Amen.
28. September 20: Sweet relief. HBO's On the Run special airs and puts to bed all unfounded rumors that Bey Z would announce their divorce during the tour's final show. They didn't. Praise be to the one with the "Halo."
29. October 17: Do I like that? I don't know if I like that. Beyoncé debuts a controversial new set of bangs that many people find weird and ugly, because they kind of look like what happens when you "need a change" and go in search of the kitchen scissors after one too many glasses of pinot grigio. I, personally, like them. Bye, haters.
30. October 31: Maybe I should reconsider my commitment to childlessness. Blue Ivy dresses as Michael Jackson for Halloween; women everywhere mentally will their birth control to stop working for just one night. Beyoncé goes as Janet. Everyone else in costume goes home forever.
31. November 16: Maybe I should get married in a cape. Solange gets married in a beautiful New Orleans ceremony and wears both a wedding jumpsuit and a wedding cape. Beyoncé is in attendance, but wears a normal dress so her sister can do all the shining. ~*SiStERs*~.
32. November 21: What is wrong with my body that I'm not flexible enough to do the foot phone? Beyoncé surprises everyone with the "7/11" video. Despite looking like she made it with an iPhone, it is amazing.
33. November 24: Fine, have another 30 of my hard-earned dollars. The platinum edition of Beyoncé's self-titled album hits stores, and you feel totally fine about repurchasing it just for the remixes and the tour DVDs. All your monies belong to Beyoncé.
34. December 3: Seriously woman, you can't have any more of my paycheck. Beyoncé releases a set of nail wraps inspired by her music videos and a Christmas sweater as seen in "7/11." This is out of control. You vow to yourself that you won't give her one dime in 2015, but that's only because you don't yet know what the Beyonce.com store has lined up. Bey-branded surfborts? Life-size Blue Ivy dolls? Doesn't matter, you'll buy all of it.