about myself and I was even "prescribed" something. Here is what I learned:
Oh, The Person I Could Be
The awkward moments started immediately after my
appointments were set. It started
with my father warning me:
"No ejaculation for 3-5 days before your appointment."
First of all, I haven't talked sex with my parents since
that defining moment I realized that Robert Plant was actually mimicking an
orgasm during Led Zeppelin's "Whole Lotta Love" while it played in the car the
summer before 8th grade.
Innocence was out the window from that point onward.
Having my father dictate my ejaculation schedule was bad
enough, but did he know how tall an order that was? No masturbating for three days? That's like the dentist telling you "no eating" for a couple
of hours after fluoride treatment:
But quitting masturbation for a week made me a productive
member of society.: I cleaned my
apartment, I wrote music, I read (actual books-real ones like Melville &
Sylvia Plath), I called my parents just to say "hi".
Every night I made plans; if I was idle at home, I'd lie on
my bed like a recovering drug addict going cold turkey: sweating in the fetal position longing
to masturbate. That week was
amazing-I met so many great people, and shared great times. I was truly on the go. I surmised that
I might be addicted to masturbation because it hinders me from being
How Do We Get Here?
Along with the actual count of my sperm, the Urologist told
me: "...and 50% of your sperm are
motile and 10% are normally formed."
I asked: "that's pretty bad right?'
But it turns out that 50% moving is normal and between 2-14%
of correctly formed sperm is normal.
Who knew? It dawned on me
that, with my personality, I must have been a non-moving malformed spermthat
happened to get caught up in the right current and fell backwards into my
I wondered how much better my life would be had one of those
motile, good-looking sperms made it to the egg. It was a moment of true reflection: how the hell did I get here, with the
deck so stacked against me during conception? And, I realized that my own body has a few mysteries to me,
just like the female body does.
I Need Help
At the Urologist, I was told to fill out this ghastly
questionnaire about "erection confidence & sexual enjoyment". After tallying up my answer scores I
looked at the "answer key" and it basically told me:
I pushed the sheet away, like a young child would do to a
plate after finishing dinner, never wanting to see it again. Then the Urologist followed up with
this awful "are you enjoying sex" conversation. I told the doctor I feared STDs, worried that I would lose
erections during sex, that my mind wandered during sex, and I rarely enjoyed
"Do you wake up with erections," he asked.
"Yes, and that makes me feel a little bit more confident."
"Good, it should."
The one time I felt comfortable during this conversation was
when I brought the doctor and Resident down to my level of sophomoric humor:
"I guess I just worry about all the issues that could (no
pun intended) arise?"
We exchanged laughter and the doctor said: "Oh, you can use
OK, so (as we call the morning erection phenomenon) "morning
wood" is a good thing-maybe an affirming thing. Guys have long debated why we wake up in the morning with
erections, making morning urination an adventure. But none of us ever realized that it could be our penis
testing itself and telling us:
"yup, everything is working correctly down here, Captain."
Despite my consistent morning wood, I told the doctor that
anxiety persisted during sex, so he prescribed a Sex Therapist. Then he asked another question that got
me into a mental debate with myself:
"Would you like to see a woman or a man?"
Geeze. A guy
would probably understand me better, but a woman would be more nurturing and
might be totally hot (like the movies)! But a woman might think I'm a total pervert when she digs deep into the
dark corners of my mind. I opted
for a woman. And I will be seeing
Do you think it's possible to be addicted to
masturbation? Also, has anyone
ever seen a Sex Therapist? I'm
hoping she can help, but I'm a little nervous, so any insight would be
appreciated. Did you ever learn
you don't know everything about your body from a doc visit like this?
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