The 9 Stages of Communication in a Relationship
Sending Him a Text was once a sacred act. Now you text about pooping and picking up milk at Shop-Rite.
By Anna Breslaw
1. One Week
Is this text funny enough to be the One Text that I send him today? Its a reference to an inside joke from our date! But is it obvious that Im just looking for an excuse to text him? Ugh, Ill just do it. OH NONONO AUTOCORRECT MAKES IT LOOK LIKE I CANT SPELL.
Its been ten minutes and he hasnt texted me back, so obviously he thinks Im a hose beast or I remind him of his older half-sister or something.
2. Two Weeks
~*~*~oMG~*~, this nonstop text banter is so great! I never find guys who are good at text banter, and weve been going back and forth for days now! I wonder if we should start Gchatting? Is that too forward, though? Gchats not for everyone. Its like the anal sex of communication.
Can I write LOL in a text yet? Are we there? Does he know that my intelligence isnt cancelled out by my love for abreves? Eh, Ill wait until I drop a few more David Foster Wallace references at dinner.
3. One Month
He hasnt texted me today. I wonder if that means something? Nah. Maybe. Nah. We Gchatted today, so were cool, I think. Just to open a new line of communication, Ill email him a link to this Vine of Drake lint-rolling his pants front row at a Raptors game with the subject line LOLOLOOLZ.
4. Three Months
Talking on the phone at night sometimes before we go to bed has been nice, even though sometimes I just want to say good night after 15 minutes, hang up and go back to this Friends rerun. We also take turns calling each other it seems like were equally invested in the before-bed call. #equality is good. This is what Susan B. Anthony fought for!
5. Six Months
We have now accrued so many inside jokes that our texts are indecipherable to anyone else. We will never have to talk about Serious Relationship Things, well just be hilarious together forever!
Never mind. I just sent a passive-aggressive text to him for the first time because he wants to bail on our plans to play pickup with his obnoxious friend D-Dog. What the hell kind of name is D-Dog, anyway? I'm not responding to these texts anymore.
6. Nine Months
I will not let this relationship stagnate, goddammit. I'm texting to see if he wants to go on an impromptu road trip. I'm texting to see if he wants to go to the midnight showing of a new movie like we're tweens again. I'm texting to see if he wants to do a threesome. ... Wow, he responded to that one real quick.
7. One Year
I want to tell him about this weird thing my coworker just did. Dare I call him at work? Screw it, Im calling him at work. [in a whisper] "I love you too." I hope nobody heard that.
8. Two Years and Beyond
We've been sending sappy texts in the middle of the day about how fun our married lives will be. Oh, I need to tell him to pick up toilet paper.