The other day I came across this interesting articleand I was astonished that a man was suing a woman for getting herpes from her.
What if we could sue anyone we wanted for any reason pertaining to our failing love lives? Better yet, what if we could ask for restitution in the event we win the case.
Here are all the people (and animal) I would sue, and what I'd ask for to alleviate the mental and financial anguish they caused...
Defendants: Any Girl I liked at age 16-18
Reward: A new transmission in my Jeep
In high school I was lucky enough to have a cool, stick shift car. I had the opportunity to invite any girl I liked to learn how to drive stick from me. But, these "lessons" were awful. If you've ever heard the sound of grinding gears, or felt the shudder of a two-ton vehicle while it stalls out, you'd understand. Finally, my freshman year of college as I approached a toll booth on the way to college the transmission simply died...or, as the mechanic put it: "fell out". I don't think I ended up dating any of my stick shift students either.
Defendant: My Mom
Reward: New Senior Picture Shoot
My freshman year of college, the school sent us notification that they were putting together a picture book of incoming freshman. The first contibutor to my downfall was my senior picture session. I wore a really geeky bow tie and a too big button down for it. Also, I had a terrible Baltimore private school lacrosse mullet. So, the photographer took some shots-the worst pose was me standing with my hands on my hips, allowing the too big shirt to puff out. I thought these pictures were successfully swept away until my mom notified me that she had gone ahead and sent a picture to the University of Delaware freshman book. Of course you know what that picture was. I couldn't believe she did that behind my back. When I have college friends over, they all clamor to look at The Picture. No doubt, I missed potential hookups or girlfriends because of that picture.
Defendant: My Cat
Reward: Mandatory vacating of my apartment whenever I bring a girl back
You've read about him before. He dirties up the apartment, mimics shrieking banshees from hell outside my bedroom door when I kick him out, and climbs on girls in my bed. The other night, he went too far. I was with a girl and I heard her (she claims she hates cats) bonding with him in my room while I was in the kitchen. He has this way about him-like a Venus flytrap, he attracts victims to him. To my horror she emerged from my bedroom with him in her arms.
"You really don't want to do that," I said as calmly as I could.
Too late. He bit and swiped at her. She dropped him, and next thing I knew I was applying anti-biotic to her battle wounds.
Defendants: Assorted old girlfriends and hookups
Reward: My old clothes back
Hey, it's not my fault that guys somehow know how to make their t-shirts softer and more worn in that girls. But why is it that girls always take my favorite irreplaceable t-shirts?? The worst article ever taken were my perfectly sized cool green-colored athletic pants that had that really cool whisking sound when I walked in them. Not only did she take them, but when I asked her for them back she informed me that she had given them to her little sister. Wait, so is the rightful owner behind a list of other people once an ex-girlfriend is having a fire sale of their stuff?
Defendants: Girls I've truly had feelings for
Reward: A chance to do it all over again
OK, I've created a lot of jadedness in my mind. But, I've been through the ringer enough times to not expect girls to call me back when they give me their number. I've learned that it's hard to find someone you can really connect with. I've found that the easiest thing to do is not to get my hopes up, and expect the worst. Maybe if I had different experiences in the past, I wouldn't be this way?
Reward: Really good counseling
I need it. It's my fault that I'm bitter in the end. I'm guilty of cluelessness, impulsive verbiage, general stupidity, and pickiness to a fault. Maybe counseling can fix me...
...but how did my mom think it was OK to send that picture without asking me?
What if you had a chance to sue anyone for anything you wanted? What would you sue for, and what would you expect as a reward if you won?