Fun At The Urologist

The things we go through to some day have babies (opens in new tab)...

My recent experience may compare with the gyno visit for a

woman with its awkward moments. I

had chemo to treat testicular cancer, which may have damaged my fertility. Since then, the "rent" at the sperm

bank has increased and my parents (they were paying that rent) asked me to get

counted to verify the need for sperm banking.

For those of you who are wondering, yes: they do have porn at the "lab" (opens in new tab). When I banked my sperm the first time,

the lab had the most amazing spectrum of porn I've ever seen (opens in new tab): from light Victoria's Secret...all the

way to pervish stuff like Martian Spacemen in Bunny Suits Invade the Sorority

House.

My experience at the NYC lab was rough:

I tried to pick the side of the loveseat that the previous guy

may not have sat on. I am a much

wiser man since my last lab visit.

This time, I exercised my BYOP (bring your own porn) rights-I brought my

laptop. I haven't been able to use

personal memory or movies for inspiration. I'm completely digital.

Midway through my session, I heard an alarm. What was this? Had I stayed in the room too long? Was

I committing some kind of violation?

Did I win a prize?

Then, I got my answer:

all the lights in the room went out. I was sitting on the loveseat, pants down, with my laptop

providing the only light. I guess

the room had "energy efficient" timed lighting. I fumbled for a switch, got re-situated and finished up my

duty in a hurry to beat the light timer.

After I had gotten everything into the sample cup, I worried

that it didn't look right. Was

there too much? Too little? On my

way out the door, I had a nervous feeling I was going to get "called back"

because I didn't provide a good sample.

But I made it out, and the next hurdle-the Urologist in a few days-would

prove to be another adventure.

Things got off to a rocky start with the Urologist when he

asked: "do you mind if a Resident

joins us?" I saw no problem with

this and agreed to it.

Some med school kid turned the corner and introduced

himself, and I was immediately out numbered. Now, I thought the doctor was simply going to go over my

test results and tell me a sperm number, then discuss whether I had to bank

or destroy my sperm, but I was sadly mistaken.

"Why don't you pull your trousers down (opens in new tab) and get up on the

table."

So, there was a testicle exam, which I'm used to, no worries

there. But then the doctor decided

to test something else. He had me

stand up and grabbed some tube in my groin near my penis. He asked me to contort my body in

different positions to see how that tube reacted.

Then, to my horror, he called the Resident over.

"OK, hold this," he said to the resident referring to the tube

in my groin.

After grabbing the wrong tube a few times, the Resident

figured it out. Then the two of

them passed the groin tube back and forth while telling me to contort my body,

and talking to one another:

"Feel that?"

"Feel that?"

"There you go."

They then decided to use a little sonogram thing to

compare with their "manual" test on my groin tube. The doctor went over my groin area like an old man looking

for coins on the beach with a metal detector. I was a bit worried by the sonogram's beeps and feedback

reminiscent of a Hendrix album, but I guess the doc/resident got a good reault. I was allowed to get

dressed.

I was sad because my first experience with two

people passing my genitals back and forth was with two men and not two adorable

super hot girls. How long before I can say: "a woman was the last person to touch my genitals, and not two men"?

At long last, the doctor went over my fertility results.

Excellent news:

lots and lots of sperm!

Is this experience as bad/awkward as the gyno?

...so, in the next post, I'll go over some thoughts and what I

learned from my experience.

Follow me on Twitter: twitter.com/richravens (opens in new tab)