We Love Your Cheesy Celebrity Magazines
Most of you have encountered your guy, glancing at the pages of Us Weekly and then not being able to put it down. We must admit, it's pretty damned entertaining and we can't believe how bad so-and-so looked in her bikini when she was caught in that weird pose by the paparazzi in the bushes 50 yards away, or wow-Posh Spice actually pumps her own gas! On "guy trips" my buddies and I make sure to have a stack of the glossy, horrible celebrity mags on hand.(BTW: Have you noticed all the different magazines actually use the same pictures every month?)
We Struggle with Facebook Timing
We have to play our Facebook cards correctly. We don't want to friend you too quickly and look too enthusiastic. The easiest thing to do is to let you friend us first so we know the coast is clear. But after that, there are more things to obsess over. When do we declare we are "in a relationship" with you?Again, you go first, will you? We'll follow your lead.
We Don't Always Like That You Talk to Your Friends About Us (Even if It's Good)
We know that part of the boyfriend job description is to supply you with feel good stories and anecdotes to share with your friends: "guess what Rich did for me today," for example. And we know that you love to complain about us to your friends: "Rich is so ignorant and insensitive sometimes. I just don't get it." In fact, we wonder if you talk about anything other than boyfriend, shoes, bags, and reality TV. Sometimes it's nice to keep some of our relationship just between the two of us.
We Gossip and We Know It
Friends and co-workers tell me I'm not allowed to know anything because I have a big mouth. My buddy and I gossip on IM during work. The average IM convo looks like this:
Brian: "Agreed. Oh well, I guess she'll find out the hard way."
My friends and I emulate two old ladies on the front porch on a hot summer day, sipping lemonade and discussing/judging all of our acquaintances.
We Actually Care (Most of the Time)
We care how you feel even though the things we say and do don't always show it. Sometimes we just don't know how to show it, or we are just being stupid. Now there are times we don't care so much: your little dramas (that are mostly imagined), your shoes, etc...but I'd say we care at least 80% of the time-that's pretty good, right?
We Get PMS
The other day my co-worker Rachel instructed me to "go home, wake up on the right side of the bed, and come back." Boy was I cranky the that day. There was no tangible reason like a crushing Ravens loss,or a girl that didn't call me back. Everywhere I went in the office I spread my little dark cloud. I wanted to be in my pajama bottoms at home watching bad movies with no one to bother me. All of us guys have days like this-strangely it's approximately every month or so...and we wonder: am I PMSing?
We Pretend to Listen
We have a number of methods of making it look like we're listening: the nod, the eye contact maneuver, the carefully timed question that is relevant to the last five words you said, or simply repeating a sentence you just said.But often, your voice sounds like the "wah-wah" adult voice in a Peanuts holiday special. You lose us in the beginning when it takes way too long to set something up. You need a hook and strong intro. There have been times when a female has spoken to me for ten minutes, I go to some other dimension (strangely, I can still hear her voice vaguely like white noise), and I return to reality. Afterward, I'm hard-pressed to remember what this girl was talking about.
We Check Out Other Women (Even if We're in Relationships)
Sorry, but we notice a hot girl any time any place. Hopefully most of us don't make it obvious, but we check out a cutie when we can. The worst is if your younger sister or best friend is hot, we'll check her out too.
We Talk About Masturbation and Porn Like the Weather
In college, my buddy I shared a room with in our house and I would say: "Dude, can you leave for five minutes?" when one of us needed "alone time." I've had conversations with guys about masturbatory habits: how we do it over and over when we can't sleep, how we do it when we're bored, our "record breaking days of frequency" during boring high school summers, etc.
Porn is no different. Recently, a buddy of mine sent out a concise and honest e-mail: "guys, I feel bad hoarding these porn site passwords. Enjoy." And, when we are getting back to NYC after a long trip, I'll look at whatever buddy I am with and say: "so you're going to eat, watch TV, pass out, and..." I'll nod at him inferring masturbation. "Of course," he'll answer. "What kind of dumb question is that?" And we've had so many "streaming versus download" Internet porn debates. I wish we could talk about smart stuff.
Sometimes We Don't Feel Like Having Sex Either
For those of you who have been reading this blog for a long time, you know that I'm the rare male who never really seeks sex, and also doesn't enjoy it. But guys are sometimes not in the mood: we are too tired, or there are things on our mind. Strange thing is sometimes we'll have sex when we don't want to, because we are guys-like when you eat something and you're totally not hungry, and then you feel awful later.
We Have Confident Days, but Unconfident Days
It's no different than a batting slump versus a hot hitter in baseball. There are days when I feel like I can own the world, and there are days when I just feel a little off. On the good days, I'll walk into a bar, mingle, I'm the center of attention. On the bad days, I'll walk into a bar and I'll curl up into a shell. Sadly my confidence is usually based on my hair...and how my jeans look on me.
Sometimes We Like Being Told What to Do
One of the reasons we won't commit is because we don't want to be told what to do. But, it's no secret that we don't like to think, and we struggle with details. So when you tell us clearly what to do, how to do it, and map it out for us, we can go about accomplishing a task without anxiety. Also, if we follow your directions precisely and you're still unsatisfied, then you're more unsatisfied with the directions you gave us, and not our execution of the instructions.
We Wish We Could Go Back to College with the Brains We Have Now
Man, I was dumb when I was younger. I wish I could go back with my now semi-smart brain, and hit on the hot young girls that aren't as "experienced in the world."I'd have a competitive advantage. I just need to look as young as I did in college but keep this old brain.
We Cry and Have Emotional Moments with Our Buddies
After my little sister's wedding, I talked over my feelings with a few of my guy friends.We might as well have been on the couch watching movies with a bottle of wine with the deep emotional things we were saying to each other. But it happens. And, we do cry — we just try not to do it in front of anyone. I shed tears when I think about old memories, or see something sad on TV, or a song hits me just the right way.
Sometimes Timing Is More Important Than Who You Are
It's all about what's going on in our mind and life when we run into you. No matter how great you are,you can't overcome those times when we are not ready to date.And sometimes we are lonely, or our friends are all dating someone, or we've gotten everything else in our lives together...and the girl comes along at the right time.
We Freak Ourselves Out Too
Traditionally, the male is supposed to protect the female, but we have imaginations too. When I go to my parent's house for holidays after being in NYC for months, I'm shocked by the isolation of their house in the woods. Every night I sleep there, the strange sounds spark my imagination: an axe murderer broke in, home invasion, etc. And sometimes I have totally illogical freak out moments, like waking up at 3:30 a.m. in my apartment and wondering if the ghost of Lizzie Borden will appear at the foot of my bed just because I'm thinking about her. Yes, I get scared and want to hide under the covers when these things happen.
We Are Sensitive About Our Weight
I got measured for a tux recently and when I returned to my office some of my co-workers asked how it went. I replied: "Well, it didn't make me feel fat." Lately, I've been feeling fat because I haven't been able to get to the gym as much as I'd like to, and I see my gut expanding faster than the universe. Even though we think that women are OK with a bit of a guy on a guy, we still worry about our weight. And yes, we do wonder if certain clothes make us look fat.
We Fear Growing Older
This is explicitly linked to our weight sensitivity. As we get older, we gain weight, we lose our hair, we get tired faster, and younger guys look better in our presence. It's especially painful for athletic guys who can't quite do the things they used to do physically. We go through depressions, mid-life crises, etc...until finally we just give up.
We Say We'll Call Even if We Don't Mean It
We always say we'll call, because it's the nice thing to say. It's almost as thoughtless as the "fine" answer when someone asks us how we're doing. Would you rather us say: "Look, I'm not planning to call you?" And sometimes at that very moment we say we'll call, we do mean it, but then after 24 hours we change our mind after sleeping on it.
We're Intimidated by Your Sex Toys
Let's face it: your toys can do many things that we can't do. They rotate, squirm, and move in all sorts of glorious ways. Your vibrators and other "projectiles" are the perfect size because you pick them out. All we can do with ours is go back and forth. And, of course, your toys have a 100% orgasm success rate while our orgasm success rate is probably around 35%.And with their strange shapes, spikes, nubs, and wires, they look like they are from another planet. I wouldn't want to be in a room alone with them.