20 (More) Secrets Men Keep

We Love Your Cheesy Celebrity Magazines

Most of you have encountered your guy, glancing at the pages of Us Weekly and then not being able to put it down. We must admit, it's pretty damned entertaining and we can't believe how bad so-and-so looked in her bikini when she was caught in that weird pose by the paparazzi in the bushes 50 yards away, or wow-Posh Spice actually pumps her own gas! On "guy trips" my buddies and I make sure to have a stack of the glossy, horrible celebrity mags on hand.(BTW: Have you noticed all the different magazines actually use the same pictures every month?)

We Struggle with Facebook Timing

We have to play our Facebook cards correctly. We don't want to friend you too quickly and look too enthusiastic. The easiest thing to do is to let you friend us first so we know the coast is clear. But after that, there are more things to obsess over. When do we declare we are "in a relationship" with you?Again, you go first, will you? We'll follow your lead.

We Gossip and We Know It

Friends and co-workers tell me I'm not allowed to know anything because I have a big mouth. My buddy and I gossip on IM during work. The average IM convo looks like this:

Rich: "I can't believe she's going out with that guy. He's not right for her."

Brian: "Agreed. Oh well, I guess she'll find out the hard way."

My friends and I emulate two old ladies on the front porch on a hot summer day, sipping lemonade and discussing/judging all of our acquaintances.

We Actually Care (Most of the Time)

We care how you feel even though the things we say and do don't always show it. Sometimes we just don't know how to show it, or we are just being stupid. Now there are times we don't care so much: your little dramas (that are mostly imagined), your shoes, etc...but I'd say we care at least 80% of the time-that's pretty good, right?

We Get PMS

The other day my co-worker Rachel instructed me to "go home, wake up on the right side of the bed, and come back." Boy was I cranky the that day. There was no tangible reason like a crushing Ravens loss,or a girl that didn't call me back. Everywhere I went in the office I spread my little dark cloud. I wanted to be in my pajama bottoms at home watching bad movies with no one to bother me. All of us guys have days like this-strangely it's approximately every month or so...and we wonder: am I PMSing?

We Check Out Other Women (Even if We're in Relationships)

Sorry, but we notice a hot girl any time any place. Hopefully most of us don't make it obvious, but we check out a cutie when we can. The worst is if your younger sister or best friend is hot, we'll check her out too.

We Talk About Masturbation and Porn Like the Weather

In college, my buddy I shared a room with in our house and I would say: "Dude, can you leave for five minutes?" when one of us needed "alone time." I've had conversations with guys about masturbatory habits: how we do it over and over when we can't sleep, how we do it when we're bored, our "record breaking days of frequency" during boring high school summers, etc.

Porn is no different. Recently, a buddy of mine sent out a concise and honest e-mail: "guys, I feel bad hoarding these porn site passwords. Enjoy." And, when we are getting back to NYC after a long trip, I'll look at whatever buddy I am with and say: "so you're going to eat, watch TV, pass out, and..." I'll nod at him inferring masturbation. "Of course," he'll answer. "What kind of dumb question is that?" And we've had so many "streaming versus download" Internet porn debates. I wish we could talk about smart stuff.

Sometimes We Don't Feel Like Having Sex Either

For those of you who have been reading this blog for a long time, you know that I'm the rare male who never really seeks sex, and also doesn't enjoy it. But guys are sometimes not in the mood: we are too tired, or there are things on our mind. Strange thing is sometimes we'll have sex when we don't want to, because we are guys-like when you eat something and you're totally not hungry, and then you feel awful later.

We Have Confident Days, but Unconfident Days

It's no different than a batting slump versus a hot hitter in baseball. There are days when I feel like I can own the world, and there are days when I just feel a little off. On the good days, I'll walk into a bar, mingle, I'm the center of attention. On the bad days, I'll walk into a bar and I'll curl up into a shell. Sadly my confidence is usually based on my hair...and how my jeans look on me.

We Are Sensitive About Our Weight

I got measured for a tux recently and when I returned to my office some of my co-workers asked how it went. I replied: "Well, it didn't make me feel fat." Lately, I've been feeling fat because I haven't been able to get to the gym as much as I'd like to, and I see my gut expanding faster than the universe. Even though we think that women are OK with a bit of a guy on a guy, we still worry about our weight. And yes, we do wonder if certain clothes make us look fat.

We Fear Growing Older

This is explicitly linked to our weight sensitivity. As we get older, we gain weight, we lose our hair, we get tired faster, and younger guys look better in our presence. It's especially painful for athletic guys who can't quite do the things they used to do physically. We go through depressions, mid-life crises, etc...until finally we just give up.

We're Intimidated by Your Sex Toys

Let's face it: your toys can do many things that we can't do. They rotate, squirm, and move in all sorts of glorious ways. Your vibrators and other "projectiles" are the perfect size because you pick them out. All we can do with ours is go back and forth. And, of course, your toys have a 100% orgasm success rate while our orgasm success rate is probably around 35%.And with their strange shapes, spikes, nubs, and wires, they look like they are from another planet. I wouldn't want to be in a room alone with them.