If there's one message Khloé Kardashian tries to hammer home in her new book Strong Looks Better Naked, it's that changing her body changed her life, and that change like this is available to anyone who wants it. Even though I lack Khloé's access to trainers and nutritionists (and, frankly, the lion's share of her motivation), I was intrigued enough to try what it would be like to eat, drink, and sweat like Khloé, and her book provides perfect guidance for doing just that in the section "My Day on a Plate." I've eaten like a Kardashian before (moment of silence for Kris Jenner's amazing brownies), but was I ready to do so for an entire 24 hours? Spoiler: NOPE.
5:00 a.m. I wake up at Khloé's normal time, but unlike her, I am not at all "ready to meet the day." Fortunately, I've equipped my nightstand so that I can easily access the coffee and glass of water she starts each morning with. I forgo my typical milk and sugar to take my coffee black, like Khloé does, but my grounds are Dunkin Donuts' French vanilla flavor. I won't tell her if you don't.
6:00 a.m. Workout time. I typically jog back and forth in a swimming pool for my cardio, but the pool is only open to senior citizens at this hour, so I settle for a jog in the ever-present Seattle rain. It is cold (a decidedly Debbie Downer attitude, which Khloé does not approve of and which I'll examine in detail later today), but Khloé's Beyoncé- and Kanye-heavy playlist helps a little.
6:45 a.m. Despair over the fact that I have been awake for almost two hours and gone for a run and still won't get to eat anything until 8.
7:30 a.m. Start making my breakfast. Feel oddly competent to be making real steel-cut oatmeal, like the mom from the Laura Ingalls Wilder books or some shit.
8:00 a.m. Breakfast time! Khloé's Ideal Oatmeal is a mix of steel-cut oats (Khloé recommends Bob's Red Mill Steel Cut Oats), flaxseed powder, and water or almond milk, with a protein drink on the side (my own recipe, and therefore not any Kardashian's fault that it looks like a glass of mud). While the meal looks as monochromatic as a Kanye West fashion show, it's actually pretty good! I'd totally make it again, but with fruit (which Khloé recommends) and maybe brown sugar (which Khloé would not approve of).
8:19 a.m. Go back to the grocery store (fourth trip in two days, solely to stock up on Kardashiangredients) to look for tahini for this afternoon's hummus. This becomes a three-hour excursion involving a Safeway, two QFCs, and my neighborhood co-op. When my inner Debbie Downer starts telling me I'll never find any, I employ Khloé's strategy and tell Debbie, "Yeah? You just watch, bitch!" and then find a tub at Trader Joe's.
11:15 a.m. Finally get home, tahini in hand. Hastily make Khloé's morning snack, apples with peanut butter. Realize I have been awake for OVER SIX HOURS and three of those hours were spent tahini shopping. Cry just a tiny bit.
12:00 o.m. Start making lunch. Nothing makes me feel actual, abject sorrow like spending an extended period of time making a salad. I employ Khloé's signature mantra to try to bolster my spirits: "The soul becomes dyed with the color of our thoughts and I want to paint my soul in vivid and bright colors." Can't tell whether it's working?
1:00 p.m. Lunch is Khloé's Chinese Chicken Salad (shredded romaine lettuce, shredded cabbage, chopped scallions, carrot, cilantro, avocado, shredded chicken, chopped peanuts). It's fine, but not "it was worth it to spend an hour constructing this salad instead of making a regular, 10-minute salad and then taking a 50-minute nap" fine. Although the blend of ginger and honey and rice vinegar in the dressing did give it a nice kick. (I once tried a bite of kale salad and said it was the sort of thing I'd make for an enemy, so my lack of outward criticism here is actually high praise.)
1:10 p.m. Remember that Khloé says, "Everyone needs to do planks." Do a plank.
1:12 p.m. Really, really consider taking a nap, even though Khloé does not mention napping once in her entire book (she does mention "snapping" and "Snapple," but that's as close as she comes). Settle for listening to the Hamilton soundtrack. In one of the most unguarded moments of the entire book, Khloé says, "Sometimes I'll even listen to sad music, because it makes me feel connected to the sadness in the world and makes me feel less alone." I concur.
Consider writing an article about whether Alexander Hamilton's wife Eliza and her sisters were 18th century Kardashians. Realize the audience for such an article probably consists solely of me.
3:00 p.m. Snack time! Khloé's Homemade Hummus is surprisingly easy to make (it's a dump-and-blend food processor recipe, with no prep work more complicated than peeling a couple of cloves of garlic), and while it doesn't pack much of a punch on its own, it pairs nicely with some sliced red pepper. I eat more than the suggested serving size.
3:15 p.m. Wonder what Khloé typically does after she's finished with her afternoon snack. That's the trouble with Strong Looks Better Naked — it doesn't offer a clear picture of what Khloé's day-to-day life looks like. Are we entitled to that information? No, of course not — but the book is missing out on a chance to offer us more insight into the real Khloé, and that's a little bit disappointing. All we come away with are some generic ideas and the knowledge that Khloé cleans out her own garage. I don't even have a garage.
6:00 p.m. Start dinner. While Khloé typically has fish and steamed vegetables, if I cook fish in my apartment, it will absolutely, undoubtedly smell like fish until 2016, and so I opt for one of her "cut loose and celebrate" splurge meals instead: Khloé's Famous Breaded Chicken and a side of cauliflower mash ("Magic Mash-Up").
6:15 p.m. Put cauliflower on to cook. Somehow neglect to read the bit in the recipe about breaking the cauliflower into florets first. Wonder after 40 minutes why the cauliflower is not, in fact, extremely tender yet, since it was supposed to be done after 12 minutes. Read recipe. Cry just a tiny bit.
7:00 o.m. Sit down to Magic Mash-Up and Khloé's Famous Breaded Chicken. Real talk: This cauliflower is mashed, but it isn't magic; I'm not ensnared by the fantasy that mashed cauliflower can taste every bit as good as mashed potatoes. But it's pretty good for mashed cauliflower, and that's saying something, given that it doesn't have any additions like butter or cheese.
The famous chicken isn't quite unremarkable enough to be rebranded as "infamous," but I can't imagine throwing a party where it gets gobbled up either. There were no guidelines for seasoning amounts in the recipe for the breading itself, so maybe I underdid it? A KARDASHIAN WOULD NEVER UNDERDO IT.
9:00 p.m. In bed, ready to crash, and too full for more than half a bite of plain Greek yogurt and a little bit of a banana, Khloé's typical evening snack. I am, as Khloé promised, surprised by what I could accomplish in this, a single day. (I'm also not craving sweets, which I typically do before bedtime, so I guess I'm healthy now?) Wonder how Khloe's day went, compared to mine, then remember the Teddy Roosevelt quote I read for the first time in Strong Looks Better Naked and liked enough to jot down: "Comparison is the thief of joy."
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