5 Ways to Actually Get Something at the Balmain x H&M Launch

1. Leave yesterday

With folding chair and some of Starbucks's Moon Cheese in tow, sprint to your nearest H&M store (make sure it's carrying the right merch, though!). There will most likely be crazies camped out there already, but if you leave now, you still might be able to make the third group of three and spend 10 minutes running around the shop floor like it's an episode of Supermarket Sweep. Unless they started lining up three days early like they did in Singapore. 

2. Call on a higher power

Meaning J.K. Rowling and the invisibility cloak she conjured from her mind.

3. Hostile takeover

Buy Hennes & Mauritz stock until you have a controlling interest in the company. At the next shareholders meeting—which you will run wearing bespoke Tom Ford—demand one of everything from the line. (I don't really understand how this works, but it sounds exciting, no?)

4. Stage a military coup

This hinges on you being young and cool and Instagram famous enough to infiltrate the #BalmainArmy. (Which you are, duh.) After you've gained their trust, depose Olivier Rousteing, overthrow the old order, have your own colors and insignias installed, etc. Produce as much new-guard Balmain as you like. 

5. Do what you always do

Set your alarm for 5 a.m. Make a spirulina-enzyme smoothie in your Vitamix. Play "Eye of the Tiger." Lift weights like those old-school Wall Street guys used to do to counteract the cortisol building in your body. At 7:45 a.m., open hm.com on your preferred browser. Wait until 8 a.m. Zero in on the pieces you've preordered (in your mind). Proceed to checkout. Wail as the website crashes right as you enter the last digit of your security code. End up paying 200 times retail for the black and white Gigi Hadid dress. Feel empty inside but chic on the outside.   

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